Fun October Baby
I called my oldest daughter, and she was laughing, she had missed my call, with me wishing her a happy 40th birthday . . . she said, mom, don't make me older than I am . . . oh, are you 39, well, I figured that if I was turning 60 this year, then you had to be turning 40, easy math, I was only 20 years old when I had you, Mormon style, with a teen pregnancy, as a virgin! You used to be considered an old-maid at 19 or 20, and if you were not married by the time you were 21, they shipped you off to the land of spinsters, you then sought a spiritual partner, who just wanted a sweet spirit as a wife! So, I was married at the ripe old age of 19, and pregnant before my 20th birthday, but I forgot, that a pregnancy is only 9 months, which seemed like an eternity, to me, especially, as I saw my whole life, college, and career wrapped up in this baby thing for the rest of eternity. Some people say, that Mormons believe in eternity, because their lives are so boring that life seems like an eternity! LOL! I refused to go down as part of the living dead, as T.S. Elliot, in his poem, Wasteland, called your average person. I refuse to be average! And so do my children, thank, God!
Birthday Girl, told me she was only 39, I said, I knew I had you some year, because, you are here . . . laughs again, at least I knew that you were born on October 3, whatever the year was. At this point, I am happy to remember how old I am! LOL! There seemed to be a period, about when I was 56, that it seemed like I cheated, and was 56 years old for about 3 years . . . math was is not my strong point, and having a birthday, that really never was celebrated, due to Christmas, and 7 other brothers and sister's competing for my parent's finances, a birthday, a week before Christmas, was just a speed bump to the big day for the whole family. LOL! So, my children, should not be surprised, that their mother, is not a big birthday person, no princesses, pirates, or Spider mans, in my family and with my kids, they are just, fucking awesome human beings! Saying I am proud, honored, damned lucky, is redundant, and they know I love them, and they love me, whether presents are exchanged or not, or even if a phone call doesn't get made . . . a bad ass con law chick, makes bad ass, kick ass kids! Worlds, favorite flavors! And they have only just begun . . . watch out world! The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world!
Bloody Eyeballs, Ghost Cake
Greta's birthday cake was always the start of a fun, fall month, ending with a totally cool, scary and haunted Halloween, especially, living in a haunted house in Ogden, Utah, with poltergeist, ghosts, and women in old-fashioned dresses, flipping skirts around the corner of the piano, set in catty-corner, in the front room, leading into the kitchen . . . I sent Greta, home to check on Nicole, who was home asleep and sick . . . a righteous, Mormon mom, who lived across the street from the Mormon Church, could multi-task, be the primary president, and have a sick child home at the same time, so with a responsible older sister, who was totally capable of checking on her little sister, actually caught a glimpse of our haunted house resident! She came back to church a bit shaken by the sight, of the skirt, that whirled around the corner, as she noted that Nicole was still fast asleep . . . and you left Nicole home with the ghost!
Last year, on Halloween, I wrote a blog on our haunted house, if you care to look back a year, but one of my favorite birthday cakes to make was Greta's, the Bloody Eyeball Cake, that we made every year of her childhood, or as long as she cared, which renewed her interest, when she had children of her own, who were as mesmerized and enthralled with the bloody eyeballs as their mother was, at their age. So, now, millions of children around the world, or those with mothers who read this blog, can give the same scare and delight that this cake has given my kids, year after year . . .
9 X 13 Inch Cake Pan, Either White or Chocolate Cake Mix
- I am a Betty Crocker, type gal, why make it from scratch if you can just dump a mix in the bowl, add three eggs, water, and oil . . . follow the directions, you know, preheat the oven, set the oven for about 350 degrees, and cook it for the specified time
- you can either buy two store brand frosting tubs or whatever you call those plastic jars with lids, you will need one white and the other chocolate, the darkest you can get, or you could make a powder sugar frosting for both, and make the background frosting black, but the ghost, according to my dictates, needs to be white, to match the egg shells, that serve as the eyeballs, for the ghost
- you just make a basic ghost shape, as large as you can, or the eyeballs are going to look out of proportion to your ghost . . . then outline the ghost with the dark frosting of your choice, that is the dark, haunted, October night sky . . . so the whole cake should have frosting on right now.
- then you take, well, you can use one, but I always used two, because, I generally messed up on one, but you can have more dramatic eyeballs, the white part if you break the eggs, so you have bigger balls . . . sorry, not! LOL!
- okay, washing out the egg shells, so there is not yoke if you break the yoke and whites, dripping on your frosting and making your cake soggy, then dry them out the best you can, with a dish towel or paper towel, and place them on the ghosts face, or head . . . they will appear a bit large for the face or head portion, but don't be alarmed, that is just the way it is, and the kids won't care--for the perfectionist moms on meth out there . . . just put the fucking egg shell on what looks like the head, if you did the ghost right!
- you will need the highest content of either vanilla extract, or almond extract, to be found in the spice area of the grocery store, of if you are a drinker, maybe soaking the sugar cubes, sorry, you generally have to buy a box of 200, just to have two, but you can use them until your child is 100 years old, with all the extras, but the magic, is in this step, so don't fuck this up, but you soak the sugar cubes, not until they fall apart in the liquid, but until they are saturated, you can't go too wrong, but that is easy for me to say, since, I saw it done at Relief Society Homemaking meeting, before I tried it at home, that is why I am trying not to leave any steps out . . . after they are soaked, and I usually don't soak them and put them on the cake until, right before we are ready to sing the Happy Birthday song and light the candles, which are the eyeballs, in this cake's sense
- so, then you balance them on the egg shell, eyeballs, or the two half egg mounts, turn off the lights, and watch the magic begin . . . you will have flames, about 5 inches high, and they will burn for a few minutes, as the kids, ooh, and aah, and as the flames burn the sugar, they melt over the raised white eyeballs, and drip, what appears to be blood, that drips down the eyes, really cool, in single, wiggly, lines, that resemble, blood veins in the, real eyeballs of a human, but more exaggerated, and then the flame, naturally burns out, but everyone has had a great time watching the bloody eyeballs . . . whooooo, haaaaaa, screeeeeeeaaaaam!
- pure fun! and the kids love it!
- I will save my favorite hamburger, rice, dinner in a pumpkin, with a black magic marker face, cook right in the oven, the meal I always, made, and made the kids eat, before going trick-r-treating! If you fill them up with something healthy, they will not eat as much candy, and hopefully, the really good stuff, will make it back home, for the parents to raid all the chocolate candy, and let the kids eat the cheap stuff! LOL! But, you have to watch were the kids hid the candy bags, or the plastic orange pumpkins, that they collect their treasure in!
Favorite Haunted House . . . The Utah State Hospital, INMATES Ran it!
That has now gone defunk, like all cool things, with over protective laws, helicopter parents, and kids, scared shitless! Just the setting was creeepy as hell, holy shit, the state mental hospital, the Shining, plus One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest, all in one night of fright! Just walking on the property, during normal business hours, freaked me out, not to mention, hiking up behind the more modern buildings, that really by any one's standards were not modern, but newer than the infirmary buildings of the old insane asylums, hidden up on the hills of Provo, Utah, hiding, who knows what horrors, murders, mysteries, and tortures, really! But on a cold, mystical, foggy October night, the brave, would climb the ancient rock and mortar stones, up to an open field, with haunted trees, without leaves, by this time of the fall, and through the mist, on a wild horse, with cloak flapping in the night's wind, a rider, without a head, charged through the field, narrowly missing the terrorized ghost busters, who by this time, could hear screams of the damned, and chain saws buzzing, with many children, clutching their pop or moms, coats, hiding and being dragged, unwillingly up to the old insane asylum, made of clammy rocks, cement, lathe and plaster, with arch ways, ins and outs, plenty of hiding places for the inmates, to jump out and scare the living hell and shit out of you!
Just knowing the people serving the fear and terror, was strange in deed, that they trusted these people with chain saws, swords, daggers, and other tools of torture, was frightening enough . . . an reminiscent of the time, me and my two sisters, paid to run through the San Francisco Wax Museum, past scenes of early practice of medicine, and forms of cures, like cutting their patients open, and letting rats, eat out whatever ails the person . . . we didn't see one thing, pushed each other into the exhibits, and ran as fast as we could through the whole museum! The maccobb, indeed . . . much like the state hospital, just having a woman, in a white nightgown, with blood, down her nightie, missing an arm, or with a dagger in her neck, was enough to cure you of whatever might be ailing you! Scary, scary, scary! But fun as hell! The fun, was pushing one of your children into the oncoming spooks, the insane, the chain saw masquerader, Jason, and all the others, who have terrorized us for years . . .
Charlie Brown's, Secrist Pumpkin Patch in Provo, Utah
When my kids, were little, we moved to Provo, Utah, where my ex was a city planner, and purchased the coolest old home, with blinker bricks, rare, and an old style bungalow, with a huge front porch, and five levels, right off, Center Street and 5th East, off Main, if I recall the address right, but, just up the street from Messer Elementary School, with an old pink house on the corner, and ours was next . . . it has since gone from the glory days, when we loved it, to renters, with BYU students in it . . . too bad, they just don't love the old architectural beauty, like we did. But, when we bought the house, we tore into the backyard, and took out, 60 years of phitzer bushes, shrubs, and made room for that Mormon garden, which I loved. We never realized, how enriched soil, these scrub needles would make, but we actually had water rights, right in the city, and could irrigate, just like the old pioneers, of the early days of settlement, and I would be up at all hours of the night, with rubber boots, on when me and the back neighbor, who had a little farm going, even a tractor, who volunteered to pull up our fitzers, so we could build a garden, like he and his wife, who I believe was the city recorder, or something with Provo City, while he was retired, and grew enough veggies and fruit to eat on all year long. (spell check won't pick up fitzer, or phitzer, bushes)
But, we planted, our garden, which grew, potatoes the size of small footballs, cantaloupe the size of watermelon, and along with everything else that grew like crazy, with these inexperienced gardeners, we planted four pumpkin hills, one for each of our children . . . we ended up, by October, with 64 huge pumpkins! Amazing, and amazingly cool for our kids, who love Halloween, with the exception of Nicole, who got her pillowcase treat bag, stolen, by a couple of teenagers, too old to go to the doors, but not old enough that they wanted to give up the tradition of getting free candy, so they got it the old fashioned way, by stealing it! I just learned that about two years ago, when I assumed that all my kids, loved Halloween as much as I did . . . no, and she told me that story, never mentioned a thing when she was young! My kids were raised tough, and I guess she just took it on the chin, and big sister, Greta always watched out for her little crew of brother's and sister, and I am sure, she shared with her and didn't want to bug me, who was always a busy, lunatic, when my kids were little.
We had so many pumpkins, that year, that we decided to have the whole damn neighborhood over for a BBQ, volleyball games, and let every person pick their own pumpkin, and they were not small pumpkins, huge, and numerous! But the whole crew showed up, and we had a nice bonding time, with competition, great food, right off the vine and stalk, tons of corn from our garden, and what we lacked, the backyard neighbor, with a full blown farm and tractor, had, right in his back yard, so cool, so fun, and really festive for the beautiful fall day, that God was not only gracious in the harvest, but in the weather, also! Fun memories. Bottled applesauce, dill pickles, and oatmeal cookies. Oh, fall, how wonderful . . .
To 11 Male Attorney Colleagues, So What Time Do We Get Off for Halloween?
WHAT? My mother was a junior high school teacher, who was always off by about the time we, her eight kids, got home from school, or shortly thereafter, so I just assumed, that yeah, we normally had to work until 5:00 p.m., at the Utah Attorney Generals Office, but this was Halloween, so what is the deal, when do I get to leave . . . I remember all 11 members of the Utah Prosecution Council, and the Criminal Enforcement Division, at our weekly meeting, rolling their bloody eyeballs, and itching their balls, and very sarcastically telling this housewife to attorney, in no uncertain terms, at 5:00! What are you talking about, I have dinner in a pumpkin to make, and costumes to get ready, with two young sons still at home, living with their father in Provo, still, where he was still a city planner, until the Mormon family got him fired, to get to Elliot's talent, in band, Parallax, soon thereafter, taking out mom too . . . but, at this point, they were still young, when I was working up at the Utah State Capitol Building . . . this was shock number one! What the fuck, I am still a mom! I need to get the hell out of this meeting, dealing with capital murder, executions, and criminals, I have kids that are going to end up that way if I don't get home to carry on the family traditions that my kids are use to! What the fuck is up with this.
Okay, I understand, Halloween, I guess, some people are duds and just don't get into like I do, so, I can forgive not getting off early for Halloween, but Christmas . . . I asked them again, so, having done no Christmas shopping, when do we get off for Christmas, my mother used to get two fucking weeks off, so, what is the deal, when are we off . . . December 24th at 12:00 noon, WHAT! Now, this is getting ridiculous, this is bull shit, and what in the hell is wrong with these fucking prosecutors, who think crime keeps going during the Christmas Season! So, calmly, thinking, well, we must be getting a week off, during the Holidays, between Christmas and New Years, like my ex-husband, the city planner did each year . . . NO, you are suppose to be back by December 26, at 8:00 a.m., SHARP! Fucking Scrooge!
Now, I understood, what my mother told me, you should be a school teacher, the hours, nothing goes better with raising a family than school teaching, summers off, out by 3 p.m., and her words, came back haunting my psyche, and making me wish, with a teaching certificate, I listened to her, this was absolutely ridiculous . . . not getting off for Halloween and Christmas, this is UN AMERICAN! If I knew one iota, about the law, back in those days, I would have gone directly into solo practice, having never even thought I would practice at all, just following some dream I had, and getting accepted into law school, after two hours, instead of the normal way, I would have thought this thing out a bit, I was still suffering from the Knight in Shining Armour Syndrome!
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