You're so hard on yourself. Take a moment. Marvel at your life: at the grief that softened you, at the heartache that wizened you, at the suffering that strengthened you. Despite everything, you still grow. Be proud of this.
OLD GAMES . . . KNEW KILLING FIELDS!
FUN DREAM TWO NIGHTS AGO, DREAM OF FEELING HALF HUMAN AGAIN, AND NOT A HUNTED ANIMAL, TRACKED, CHASED, SHOT AT, AND ATTEMPTS TO CAGE!
Hoping cop action, calms, interference, and innuendos, change, from the last 4 to 5 years of basic homelessness, if all goes well, I will be moving in a new apartment, senior housing, 62 and older, within the next few weeks, out in Kirkland, and yes, I clearly qualify, age wise! I will be turning, 63, going on 35, December 17, born in 1954 . . . Shelley, will be turning, 64, September 13, born, 1953, small but significant, timelines, that make all the difference and show the truth! Remember, that thing, that keeps the world in kilter? Yeah, the truth. Now, I have watched more TV, since being at the Hammond House, in Greenwood, for the last month, and that is more TV, than, I have watched in my entire adult life! LOL, and it feels great. The night of the dream, we had been watching, LAW AND ORDER, SPECIAL CRIMES UNIT, dealing with sex crimes, and that may have played into this mix of interesting, but significant events in the dream, that was short, but, steeped in symbolism.
For the last 20 years, I have been the bane of law enforcement, government and the courts, together. I am reaching a point, in this blog, that I have written, over 1700 blogs, and will reach the 4 year mark, of being married to politics, blogging, and protecting myself, with about, somewhere over 400+ blogs a year, more than one a day, especially, when, the "so-called" President Trump, was elected, thinking that the day, President Hillary Clinton, won, I would stop blogging . . . didn't happen, the way, any of us, predicted, although, I have not been silent, as to how, I feel team Trump, stole the elections from the first, and most qualified, male or female candidate, we have ever had in American history, and I am more and more sure, all the time, who the players are, and the parts they all played, much, like the males involved in taking me out, and the parts they all played and play in keeping me from the literal fortune that I am entitled to, as a matter of law! I can show earning potential, history, and have an actual blog, that, is worth, millions per day, what it the earning potential of the men and women, who have lived off my work, fucking for, 20 years? NOTHING! All on the money is for nothing and the chicks for free, money tree, gravy train, and while I mention, it I have been training the same fucks, while I continue to produce . . . nice gig they are getting in this genius! giving all the dues and credit to the "above average" but no where close to me, gals and guys, my writing and cases, can swing both ways! I want revenge!
IDENTITY POLITICS, IDENTITY LIFESTYLE, IDENTITY AGE?
It is interesting, to be moving into this new area of life, but, it will not be without its challenges too! The dream indicates this. Now, I don't feel, a day over, 35, and the most common, age, I am guessed at, is, 41, most of my lovers, Gameboys, and toy-boys, are younger than me, therefore, not only is it surprising, that, we get anything going, in the first place, but, I have a feeling, that things are going to get even more interesting as, this process of dropping my blog, the source of much of the cop attention, and also, my ONLY protection, from the legalized, mafia, the cops, as well as the real mafia, as in Mormons, Russians, Italians, Germans, etc., and all those who act and operate as a criminal enterprise, that has, targeted this EZ MONEY SOURCE, along with threatening my family.
On several occasions, when, strapped for cash or the lack thereof, I have gone to a senior citizen's center, to get a hot, and often free meal, or for a small donation and good food, which, I try to frequently, eat, and take care of my health, that is a good as it was, when, I was 35! But, when, I go to these places, where most seniors, are evidently, and clearly, old enough to eat at these places, I just don't fall into that category, and all I get is evil looks and daggers, like, I am faking my age, and I am making a mockery of seniors, and in reality, just should not be there. I am questioned, my I.D., and even birth certificate, have to be checked and even then, there is a air of suspicion that surrounds me, dealing with age. Now, most women, refuse to reveal their ages, but, like Suzanne Summers, who aged well, and defied, aging charts and the normal expectations of our elderly population, I on the other hand, LOVE, to tell my age, because, people, don't believe me . . . even my friends, in their barely 50's who know my age, report that they, still think of me as younger than themselves! LOL.
But, there is an illusiveness and suspicious, thinking pattern, that accompanies, a woman, very untraditional, and rare, that, if all women, hate, to reveal their ages, and most don't and will say, they are forever 21, or they are stuck at 29, I on the other hand, gladly spill the beans, which, creates, like a reverse psychological, braid fart, in most people, that makes them, think, that I am so happy to tell my age, that I must be lying! LOL! This has been a huge ass part of my problems, even getting credit for, having my kids, which I started at the ripe age of 20, and finished with four, by age 28, the age most of my sisters, and my two daughters started having kids, and way, sooner, than, my sons ever thought, still in one count, Elliot, doesn't even land on their radar in this life of passages! The cops, for the most part, seem the most reticent to give into this notion, of me being much older than, 40 something, so they, always, think I am up to something! LOL. Distrust is the name of the game, and having kids, who are older than myself, Greta is turning 42 this year, is, a fucking impossibility, for them to conceive, mainly, because, they were first introduced to my loser ass sisters, or attorney friend, looking their ages, or older, being introduced as my kids mother, with no questions asked!
There used to be an ad selling hair dye, when, I was growing up . . . with the slogan or marketing that, even your hair dresser can't tell! The last time I saw my male hair dresser, who looks like a trucker, and defies, stereotypes, himself, Walmart, Smart Style, stylist, for about 3 or 4 years now, and assuming, I had long ago, revealed my age, through, being an attorney, for 24 years, or through, my blogging, which he, sometimes reads, I just assumed he knew my age . . . when, I said, I was 62, he even jumped, back from cutting my hair and said, NO! you are not, and he not only would not believe me, even after reporting my daughter's age, as proof, he took my hair, by the roots, like a mad man, and looked and looked for gray, or the proof of my age, and he said, that he thought I was about, 35 all this time, but, then, he paused and said, well, you must have had kids, before, you were born, and he said, well that can't be true and he, seemed pissed and betrayed by this news. I have not be praised, for staying young looking, but I have surely been punished!
I surely, could not have had MY KIDS, nor could I have, STARTED practicing law, at age, 40, and practiced for 24 years! It has been a challenge to say the least, one I am glad to have, but, it has created, issues, both with men, even Kennedy was, and still, is reticent to think of me in his peer group, age-wise, but he has no trouble with Shelley, a year older, nor with Rachel, or Sue, a year to 7 years younger! XPOLOGIX . . . SHE JUST CAN'T BE HER! PERIOD! LOL! END OF STORY! NO IT IS NOT . . . I KNOW COPS ARE ALL REPUBLICANS, AS ARE MY SISTERS, FRIENDS AND FAMILY, AND THEY ARE VOID OF FACTS IN THEIR LIVES, LIVE IN ALTERNATIVE REALITIES, BUT, I AM IN FACT, GOING TO BE, SOON, 63 AND ALL MY KIDS ARE MINE, AND I HAVE PRACTICED LAW, HAVING GRADUATED, IN 1993, AND IT IS 2017, AND IF I AM DOING MY MATH RIGHT, THAT GIVE ME, 24 YEARS OF BEING A LEGAL EAGLE! With all this in mind, the dream, makes sense . . . funny symbolism, but, I believe that, even after I woke, at 1:30 AM, unable to go back to sleep, as is often the case, with dreams that, are inspired or giving directions, the police sirens, tended to symbolically, show, that there is still a total eclipse of my age, therefore, making me still the criminal, with the criminals, who look old enough to be me, INNOCENT! NOT FUNNY. I want REVENGE!
THIRTY-SOMETHING GUY, WHO STRUCK ME AS A COP, PLAIN CLOTHED, LOOKING FOR ME, BUT, NOT FOR ARREST, GIVEN WHAT I WAS WEARING . . . BABY DOLL? GET OUT OF HERE!
So, here is the short, but telling dream. I was clearly, at home, in my new apartment, bright windows, clean, looking with that just moved in look, and I was, in a nightie, like I have not worn, since I was married and I got divorced when, I was 34, so right there, within the age range of what I can and have been accused of looking, like, age-wise, 28 or so years later! The not real sexy, night gown, was even shorter, than, I generally wore, even married, so, again, there is some suggestion of sexual interest, once the charges for being framed, have been cleared, seeing that I am squeaky clean, with nothing of note, fear, or worry, being a safe person, in a safe place, hopefully, but for the dream! LOL. So, I am in my front room, and really, my preference in night wear, is pajama's like silk, long pants, and button down, blouse, type shirt or top, combo, that is what I love, because, the night gowns, get tangled, and twisted, so, I hate sleeping in them, and gave them up long before getting divorce. This was a pretty, simple, plain, silk night dress, with lace, and not a lot, I am not that kind of gal! LOL! My screen is jumping and jacking, all over the place and whoever is reading it, must be a fan of Victoria Secret, bras, panties, and night gear, but that is not me!
In the dream it was clearly day, and much later, than, you will ever find me home, let alone, in a nighty, or however you spell it, not a shopper either! So, that was out of place, and I have NEVER, been a hang around the house, lounging sort of gal, never tasted coffee, love to get out and going and Diet Coke, is not the motivator, but, it is part of the morning ritual, and DC in the fridge, just doesn't do it for me, socially. Yesterday, I took a shower, at 4:00 AM, I have literally, gotten up, failed to check the time, and got fully dressed, make-up, shoes and leaving out the door, fully charged for the day, and before leaving, I check the time, to see what bus, or if McD's or other, places are open? I AM ALWAYS WAITING FOR THE WORLD TO CHANGE AND TO WAKE UP! LOL. That is why this dream is so, wondrous to me, and took me, a long time to figure out.
OH, SHIT . . . IN BABY DOLL . . . OUT ATTORNEY!
The dream is actually, pretty comical . . . so, I appear to be walking into my living room, and all the sudden, this guy, looking, the all American, favorite for women, and I have written about the studies and results, this one, I believe came out in February last year, Valentine's Day, that said, what women want, is a average looking guy, brown hair, with a dad body! That is what walked through my door, unannounced, and unabashed, dressed in casual wear, Levi's, a nice, button down shirt, a bit of a gut, but not bad, over all pleasant look, but, seeming a bit, confused at first, when, I said, as he walked through the door without knocking . . . cops have no limits or boundaries, hint, this is a cop, interested or attracted to me! So, he just walks in, and I mentally, going back to special crimes unit, the night before, thought he might be a rapist . . . no just a cop! no warrants, and just violating personal living and space! LOL. So, I am standing there in the nighty, and, I said, get out of here! What are you doing here? At first, he didn't look, to be minding me much, and seemed determined to, come toward me, regardless of what I said, and, my outfit, did little to deter his thoughts and intentions, he turned for a second, and then, came back at me, and I said, I will call the cops, if you, step one foot closer to me . . . somehow in the dream, the thought came to me, he is not afraid, he is a COP! Finally, as, my voice tends to do, it dawned on him, that, the nighty, and the voice didn't match! I am anything but, TITS and ASS! I remember, laying there, thinking, that, I WILL NEVER LET THESE ASSHOLES UP ME IN THAT CATAGORY!
THE PLAIN CLOTHES COP, LEFT, DAZED AND CONFUSED!
Something should dawn on, young cops, hot to trot, that moving into, a senior housing unit, is a clue, that I am probably old enough to be your mother, regardless of what you think or how old, you think I am! So, me holding my ground and threatening him, with police action, he finally, turned and left my apartment, but he was scratching his head, like, yeah, I know, she is living her, but, she sure as shit, is not, that old! LOL. Common problem, long time, since even at the time, I graduated from, college at age 31! I had younger guys, even walking me to classes, pregnant! LOL. I have had 19 year olds, young, young, young, pick up on me . . . age is just a number, yeah, but there is a reality to that number! Even Miles, yesterday, I told him, that was my son's picture on the bus and he, seemed a bit uncomfortable with that conversation and moved on, not giving it much due or attention! Age is a painful subject for, both of us, he ignores it or gets pissed and I try to deal with it, but that is a stonewall and he, just gets pissed. The last thing he said, was, I AM NOT YOUR CHILD! However, you are the same age as my kids! LOL. But, the cops, was like, what is the deal with this chick? I looked out the walkway, as he left, so I made sure he left, and he kept, glancing back, until I shut the door and bolted the LOCK! LOL.
I AIN'T NO PUSSY CAT . . . CATWOMAN IS SO MUCH CLOSER: SCRATCH. MEOW. SSSSSSSSSSS!
THIS AIN'T NO "PUPPY LOVE!" LOL. DON'T FOR A SECOND, MISCONSTRUE, ME FOR ANYTHING, LESS THAN, I AM . . . A BAD ASS CON LAW CHICK! YES, A MOTHER AND A GRANDMOTHER! CLOTHES ON OR OFF! DUTY FIRST!
CARTOON OF A DITSY BLONDE IN A CONVERTIBLE . . . THIS HANDSOME OFFICER FOLLOWED ME FOR TEN BLOCKS! LOL.
Interestingly, the cops, have still been following me, but there is a different feel, leaving me wondering, are they protecting me from the mob? feds? seeing that it is no joke that, my life is threatened every day? There almost seems to be a curiosity element, like now we know who she is, our teacher, giving a an apple-a-day, with good juicy food, that is of TRUE VALUE, it is like, they are trying to get a closer, look, or there is an interest, and they are tracking me, not menacing, but, almost, going side by side with me, parking behind, service trucks, or stationed at strategic, entry and entrance points, me still with the old, fears of intimidation, threat of being framed, falsely imprisoned and incarcerated, with bull shit charges, but, they seem to be cool. Recently, while I have noticed their presence, I haven't felt the need to report or blog about every fucking thing they do. That has been a new thing, because it was the only thing, I had to fight them, and push them back! I love the van, that, has the statement, WELCOME TO A "DIFFERENT" PLACE! On my bank card, there is the statement, it says, "IT IS JUST BETTER HERE."
Politically, a far better match, than either, Utah or Montana! Just today on the news, Washington is 5th, top in the country, for equal pay for women, and UTAH IS THE FUCKING LOWEST, paying women, for the same education, the same training and the same experience, ONLY 55 CENTS FOR EVERY DOLLAR A MAN MAKES FOR THE SAME JOB! SCREAM, FEMALE ATTORNEYS, THEY JUST CLOSED MY LAW SHOP, STOLE $700 MILLION WORTH OF CASES, MY HOUSES, MY VEHICLES, FURNITURE, REAL, PERSONAL, AND INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY AND FELT AND ONCE THEY DROVE ME FROM THE STATE, IN FEAR OF MY LIFE, THEY GOT THE PROCEEDS FROM MY ATTORNEYS FEES, FOR ALL "MY" CASES! I guess I was suppose to work out of the charity and love in my heart! I don't need food, clothes, a car, house, nothing! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OLD. YOUNG. COMPLEX. ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!
The dream, while simple in content, was rich, in meaning and symbolism. It was like a warning from God, that he, emphasized with police sirens! What likely woke me up, which is nearly impossible, unless, I have a dream, such as this one, was sirens screaming down, or near, Greenwood Ave. right about the time, I was yelling at the dude in my dream, to get out of my house! At first, coming, from a night of rape and sexual assaults, my first impression of some dude, just walking in my house, was a sexual assault, given what I was wearing; however, is was as if, God was playing the game of cold, warm, warmer . . . and as my thoughts shifted from, rape, sexual assault to the thought, that once I give up my blog, soon, it is back, to you woman, me man, let's get it on! LOL. Once I thought that, the woman in the kitchen is just talking about, lol, COUGAR MOUNTAIN! LOL. Obviously, I have no trouble being with younger men, marrying one, might be different! But, my thoughts went from an attack type feeling, to just general curiosity, if not a genuine interest in who I am . . . a radio ad, states, How did a girl, like you, get to be a girl like you? Did you do it for love, did you do it for money, did you think you had to honey?
As the thoughts of my dream softened, the distance of the cop sirens, were further away; however, as, I started to get, pissed at the thought, of being, made a baby doll, or being looked at as a pussy cat, babe, came back . . . interestingly enough, the sirens came back onto Greenwood Ave, nearby, as if God was saying, no, they just want to know you, and yea, men have been interested in you, your whole life, deal with it . . . and would that be so bad?
Later that day, I was chillin' sitting on the front deck of Taco Del Mar, main street, outside café tables and chairs, there was a grandpa, a dad, and a cute, little girl in a pink dress. Now, the father was probably my age, because the MARINE son, with awesome, guns, or arms, tatted and strong, was probably younger than, my kids, but of the two, it was the son, I was interested in, and he appeared, blue Dodge Ram, to be someone, attracted to, when, the father, had no interest, too young! LOL. Cute daddy, stayed around, smoking, sexy, and the thought of my dream came, and I too, thought, just how bad could that be? LOL. DREAM CHANGER! LOL. Older men, other than Kennedy, NEVER, hit on me, EVER, but the younger ones do all the fucking time! COULD IT REALLY BE ALL THE BAD, TO HAVE SOME HOT, YOUNG STUD, USMC, ON YOU? FUCK NO! LOL. IF STUDS DON'T MIND, COMING TO A SENIOR HOUSING PROJECT, THEN, WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I? I'M NOT CRAZY! LOL CRAZY IF I DIDN'T!
As the thoughts of my dream softened, the distance of the cop sirens, were further away; however, as, I started to get, pissed at the thought, of being, made a baby doll, or being looked at as a pussy cat, babe, came back . . . interestingly enough, the sirens came back onto Greenwood Ave, nearby, as if God was saying, no, they just want to know you, and yea, men have been interested in you, your whole life, deal with it . . . and would that be so bad?
Later that day, I was chillin' sitting on the front deck of Taco Del Mar, main street, outside café tables and chairs, there was a grandpa, a dad, and a cute, little girl in a pink dress. Now, the father was probably my age, because the MARINE son, with awesome, guns, or arms, tatted and strong, was probably younger than, my kids, but of the two, it was the son, I was interested in, and he appeared, blue Dodge Ram, to be someone, attracted to, when, the father, had no interest, too young! LOL. Cute daddy, stayed around, smoking, sexy, and the thought of my dream came, and I too, thought, just how bad could that be? LOL. DREAM CHANGER! LOL. Older men, other than Kennedy, NEVER, hit on me, EVER, but the younger ones do all the fucking time! COULD IT REALLY BE ALL THE BAD, TO HAVE SOME HOT, YOUNG STUD, USMC, ON YOU? FUCK NO! LOL. IF STUDS DON'T MIND, COMING TO A SENIOR HOUSING PROJECT, THEN, WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I? I'M NOT CRAZY! LOL CRAZY IF I DIDN'T!
Over the years, I am sure, that in this 20 year, cold war with cops, they have wondered many times, why the fuck, I killed asset forfeiture, or stopped Medicare and Medicaid fraud units, or sued the state of Utah and about, 11 or so, top government officials, prosecutors, investigators, the governor, the attorney general, the division of securities and the department of commerce, having been, formerly, a friend of several of the defendants . . . why? These are your friends, you used to train cops and prosecutors, many of the judges, were prosecutors when you were working in the attorney general's office, why? THE SIMPLE TRUTH, IS PROBABLY TOO SIMPLE . . . I TOOK AN OATH, TO DO IT! PROTECT, DEFEND AND PRESERVE THE UNITED STATES AND UTAH OR WHATEVER, STATE'S CONSTITUTION, PERIOD. NOTHING MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT! PERIOD! I wasn't protecting drug dealers, or was a closet drug user myself, there was no money in it for me, and whatever I should have earned, millions, then billions, was stolen from me, without cause, reason, law, or decency, in the actions, of law enforcement and the criminal and civil justice system! End of the story. No hidden motives, players, clients, nothing.
IN PLAIN VIEW! STILL TRUE TO THE OATH(S) I TOOK TO MY COUNTRY AS AN OFFICER OF THE COURT!
CALLED TO DUTY!
KISS.
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