Girls . . . It is Your Neck on the Chopping Block Today . . . But, You Will Dig the Lecture, While Having Story Time!
I have been pretty harsh on men, the frat rats, with the Jackie story in Rolling Stone Magazine, back in the news, due to the looming lawsuit, and the revelations of other sexist, racist, and discriminatory social media malfunctions, escaping the inner circles of bros at the frat houses, national leaders, and others, you jack asses wanted to share this shit with, but in all fairness, there are times, not necessarily when a girl, woman, lady, asks for a rape resulting set of circumstances, but there are times, when, through the combined chemistry, backgrounds, ideologies, mental gears, the differences between men and women, the biological factors, and yes, the religious and spiritual components that make up the psycho sexuality of our species, not to mention the issues of the Darwinian, process of natural selection . . . all of that comes into play, in our play! LOL! So, I am going to look at what a female can do to flirt with danger, try to push a guy to his limits, of restraint, pushing the envelope of sexually loaded touching, kissing, petting, and in our need, want, and propensity, to want to be desired, for a multiplicity of reasons, body, brain, touch, sexuality, looks, personality, and just to be close to you boys, men, guys . . . with a need to be respected, as a males, number one need from his woman, girl, gal, lady. Complicated, complicated, complicated . . . to say the least.
Sexual Cornerstones . . . The Brain, The Chemistry! All Else is Window Dressing! It is all in the Kiss, the Spit, the Lips!
Now, I am not a sexologist, nor do I claim any special knowledge of carnal knowledge, or Biblically, knowing someone . . . but, I am a thinker, a dreamer, an experimenter, like to discover, analyze and synthesize my experiences, and funnel it through some process to increase the level of understanding, in my intellectual capacity to understand, learn, and assimilate, my knowledge base, and share it with others, who are as curious as I am, with a longing to understand the sexes, and the beauty, magic, wonder, awe of love, sex, healing nature of the sport, at times, and deeply satisfying relations, through physical contact, between a man and a woman. I read a quote the other day, that when something like this, that, just one couple, who finds true love, through whatever means, has the power to heal the whole universe, change it, evolve it, and bring about a universe of mutual caring and tender emotions, through the science of quantum physics, transform, the whole of the human race. "Be the light of the earth", so to say . . . so, it is within that disclaimer and also in that claim for humanity, through sexual expression, love, movement, touch, caress, and all that goes with sex, try to clarify and enlighten, whomever is brave enough to entertain, not necessarily new thought patterns, but to step outside the box, and think, perhaps at a higher level, adding insights, power, and thought, to what they already know, looking at other couples, to understand yourself and your partners, past, present and future better.
Love is Slippery, When It's Wet
There is a professor, up at the University of Utah, where I used to teach, who is a scientist of some type and studied the power of attraction, what attracts you to this person, as opposed to someone, perhaps, more physically good looking, but, for some unknown reason, just doesn't seem as appealing, even putting the brain, through mental gymnastics, causing twist and turning in our understanding, and popularly conditioned, response to one person over the other, creating a general mental dysfunction, disrupting all that we know, all that we have been taught, or all that our peer group, might think is what we should be attracted to, to please who? Them or ourselves, in a long, satisfying, loving, sexually charged relationship? This professor, said, those things that we think are the attributes that might or should attract us to the opposite sex, are not necessarily the ones that do. You hear, that it is the smile, the eyes, the pear shaped female, the muscle bound male, their hair, their personality, or the male primal instinct to preserve our race, creed, lineage, to become immortal by passing our seed, etc.
This professor, and I apologize for not remembering her name, but she says, it is much more basic, simple, and scientific than that . . . it boils down to your spit, that chemical mixing of bodily fluids, juices, blending, something, actually, in the make up of yours, his, ours, that creates an attraction, that we may reject, can't explain, ponder and deny, or embrace and trust, or reject, because it is so foreign to what we have been told we should be connected and attracted to, that we just outright, even deny ourselves and this person a chance to get to know each other.
Serial Killers Analysis . . . Me & Ray, One of the Dating Kings of Salt Lake City, Utah, at the Mannequin Park Mormon Ward
I was watching this movie, on an author, a professor, who was also a serial killer. He made a statement that hit me like a brick . . . he said, that men have to hunt for sex, they seek and search for their prey, so to say, their mate, work to find sex, go on the prowl until they mate; women, on the other hand, can have sex anytime they want, and withhold sex, sit back, and have the luxury of picking the man, who best fulfills their nesting needs, mothering instincts, and need to have children. I think that there is beyond an element of truth to that. That kind of goes to the ugly truth, that women give sex for love, and men give love for sex, which works quite well, and drives people to engage and get married or pair off.
By way of background, for those of you, not familiar with the Mormon Church, and the plan for eternal marriage, so the selection of your partner is critical, because you are not only going to be with person, until death do we part, but for time and all eternity, so a pretty weighty decision you are making, adding to the complexities of this mating process, natural selection, and chemical attraction. It is necessary for you position in God's Heavenly courts, to rule and reign in the worlds beyond this one! You are also, taught and encouraged, while single, to abstain from sex, outside of marriage. Okay, with that in mind, enters the Monument Park Ward, with singles, looking for mates each Sunday, coming from a hundred miles away, meeting with about 700 of the LDS Churches, most eligible and desirable men and women, most professional, news anchors, lawyers, doctors, oil refinery owners, and other people of note, looks, and professions. The Mormon Church, tried to get rid of this singles ward for years, but there was a lot of money, power and influence, in this particular group of people. But, it was also a total meat market, an ocean filled with bait and Parana, and other sexually deprive and degenerate people! LOL!
FIRST KISS, STRAIGHT TO SEX! LOL!
Ray and I had gone to high school together, and all the guys had warned, this shy guy, back then, about the Queen of Diamonds, to avoid me at all ways possible! And on top of that, I had just broken up with Bart, another former high school chum, and I guess that the two had talked with each other. Ray had been a straight Mormon boy, and had one girlfriend in high school, that he had sex with once a year, and always felt guilty for doing that, and later, when she was in an abusive relationship, he felt that because he went on a mission for the church, and left her, it was his fault, that she was in this situation. At 30, and basically a virgin, he married this woman, and on their honeymoon, she got drunk, and wanted anal sex. He got the marriage annulled and realized that she was not the girl he had left behind, some 12 years earlier, or she did something else to him, too, like have an affair with the divorce attorney, but a piece of work. Basically, Ray is very religious, and had gotten a whole lot better looking since high school, and was a hot catch, financially very successful, and had a great home up near Cottonwood Canyon and the ski resorts. I was in law school. We were both pretty intellectual, and found a lot of comfort in that, spending most of our time talking, going to football games, etc. Until, one night, there was a terrible snow storm, and Ray decided, that I should stay at his house, rather than risking getting back to my apartment.
Ray had never attempted to kiss me, and said he had been warned not to . . . my reputation proceeds me! So, being very different than most of my dates, he never tried to kiss me, which was okay, a bit weird, but, that was okay, and he was playing the field, and so was I, there was no exclusivity, whatsoever, but we liked each other. So, Ray got us each a pair of pajamas, and just as if we were some couple who had been married for 12 years, we both had reading material, and I think gave each other a small kiss, good night. Whatever, I had 4 kids, and Ray had none, and that was all cool. Then, to my complete surprise and to his also, he leaned over when the lights were off, and gave me another kiss . . . spit and chemistry hit! I swear, one kiss and we were having not torrid sex, but great sex, and then it was over, so easy, so little work, so wet, wild, and then over! Ray didn't talk, I just smiled. He was mortified, I was satisfied! LOL! Whatever you resist, persists! I just kind of thought, it was totally fine, and whatever, I dig it, so? See what the good professor said, was completely true!
He Quickly Married the Alleged, Hot Commodity in the Ward
Ray was devastated, called me to repentance the next day, on the phone after church. He quit going to church from guilt for several months. Here is the difference in attitudes, he talked to the bishop, confessed his sins, and, I, with a law professor as a bishop, got a new church calling the morning after, lol, to be the spiritual living teacher, in the women's organization! He told me, I should have turned that calling down, and needed to go talk to the bishop and repent. Hell, no! Either the bishop was not inspired to call me, or I was completely worthy for the calling! I was fine with the sex! I didn't feel sorry, and I was not going to repent! I was not the Mormon Muffin, he had saved himself for, but I was the jackel who got him! LOL! We parted ways over that experience.
Several months later, Ray, who had married, in the interim, called me at the attorney generals office, and told me that he was miserable, that sex took so much work, that he felt like he was jumping on a trampoline and some strange connotations that came with that visual image, and he was totally sexually frustrated, and pissed off he got married. I didn't have to run it in, didn't have to say a thing, just let the memories and thoughts of that snowy night, when sex was so easy, that it was effortless, and whatever! I just let him vent, he made his bed, the priesthood, had told him what was sexy, and what was not, even thought I was hotter than hell, but I had four kids, and whatever, else was going on in his mind, but it was not me, sleeping in the bed, he made, and could have had a much more fulfilling sex life, and life in general. I am not sure that I would have married him, but it was, definitely on the table for discussion. Don't let others tell you, sell you, and brain wash you into thinking that you have to have this or that to get it up, if you know what I mean?
I felt bad for him, but, hey, it is not like he didn't get a trial run, on what life would have been with me, and it was somewhat satisfying to know, that the rest of his marriage, his life, or whatever, he had to live with, the fact, that love is slippery, when its wet! Kiss, spit, chemistry, bodily fluids, the power of sex and love, combined, rewarding, climactic, arousing, erecting and electrifying! Sorry, sweetheart . . . I think men, fall prey to this thinking more than women. We are looking for different things.
I Needed You So Desperately, But We Were Too Blind To See, But, Through It All . . . I Do Love You, Still . . . Commodores
What in the hell does the brain have to do with sex . . . fucking everything! I was wakened on a train to Washington, D.C., two summers ago, by a young, black man, concerned about my welfare, and wondered if I was okay--I had fallen sound asleep, and I was not, but, doing as well as I could, going to D.C., to testify and lobby against the Cyber Intelligence Sharing & Protection Act, or something like that . . . young girls are my weakness . . . song that is on! But, here is the mental part, if you took the opposite end of every polar opposite, from our race, to the part of the country we were from, to age, everything, you had me and Miles! She knows I want her, she knows I love her, know how I need her . . . song on! Sorry, but I have the Commodores in the background! Miles had an I.Q. of 168 that intrigued me, and his father had worked for the Department of Transportation, and he knew a shit load about the government, agencies, and said he had been sent by someone high up in the government, and he was above the CIA. Total fucking turn on!
We talked for three days straight, he was pissed when I would not let him, sit in the chair next to me, when I went to sleep on the first night, and he tried desperately to get me in the lower deck . . . didn't work. We had a stop and he wanted me to act like his girlfriend . . . areal surveillance, showing off for the other Secret Service, huh? I was not attracted, at least at first physically, although, the Miles, I remember from the train, was built like a pro basketball player and tall! But as the texts, turned into sexts, I found myself so attracted to him, and the tension, sexual and the need to see each other, started to take over the relationship. Other my luscious ass, that black men, dig, like crazy, the first guy to tell me, not to lose an ounce off my ass, while I was away, which again, made me like him more too . . . what I viewed as a body flaw, he saw as a huge asset! LOL! The second we got together, fireworks, even thought I was, intellectually, saying this will never work, ever, not ever! My body, was saying, I don't give a shit if you think, you two go together, your spit does, your brains do, and the chemistry, if taking over!
It's a touch down baby, anything you do is alright with me . . . song! LOL! We were even fighting or fucking, period! I'll be there, and the love's there every time! No matter what you do, I'm going to score with you. I want the world to know, that your a superstar to me . . . the love's on every time! The songs always match what I am writing about. No matter how long we went between seeing each other, we made sure we saw each other, the passion, the fights, the phone slamming, but everything was alright with each of us! LOL! It was the combination we both needed, challenging, intellectual, brainy! The sex was easy, never took work, didn't need anything, game on, at the dumpster, against a wall, with four offices, parking lots, and streets coming at us! Security guards at the train station, ready to throw us out for fighting, and a walk around the corner, and hot sex. LOL! The relationship was SO WRONG, it was completely RIGHT!
Miles, not only pulled me out of my box, he kicked me out, pushed me out, dragged me out, and love was there . . . I will be forever grateful to him, and miss him, like crazy right now. So, the brains, engaged first, at least for me, and the body, just kind of went along! The magic of love was meant for you and me! Song! In all my life, I have never had a love so true! I love, I love only you! Song! I know it when we touch . . . only you . . . I don't know what would happen if we were to see each other again, but, my bet is, game on, touch down! LOL! So, don't let preconceived notions deny you love, sex, intimacy, healing! I am just sitting here shaking my head? Whatever? LOL!
Another Physical Anomaly . . . Fred . . . Spit, Too Hot To Stop!
I was just hanging around, waiting to die, and one night, I went across the street from the St. George Temple Ground, that gave me peace and quiet to think, to what looked like a singles dance, not to dance or meet a guy, but to get some of the refreshments that I knew would be being served. I would just go in, grab some grub and run out. I was not dressed for a dance, that was the last thing on my mind, and it was going to be in and out. While I was filling my small plate with a mixture of what was being offered, this guy, not much talker than me, and not my type at all, but relatively good looking, came and asked me to dance. I promptly informed him that I was just there for the food! He insisted, and it didn't take much, because, I love to dance, and this had nothing to do with him! He was a good dancer, so, I stayed and danced. I was not attracted to him that much, but he was a pleasant enough guy. Again, we had intellect in common, and our conversation went on and on, and eventually, he asked me to go for a ride, another love, since I had given up my driver's license, afraid I would drive while driving, and kill people while I passed! So, the ride was on, and he was reading me like a book! FBI? LOL!
As we sat up overlooking St, George, the lights, the conversation, and whatever, just like high school kids, he got more and more attractive to me. He reached over and kissed me, too hot to stop! What the fuck? Mentally, I was puzzled, I was not that attracted to this guy, but WOW, the kiss was amazing and I wanted more--I did't know about the spit, yet, so; he asked me to go get breakfast, rather than going home. He was hitting all the right buttons with me, dancing, driving, kissing, and breakfast! Hell yes! We could not get enough of each other, and neither one of us, wanted to leave the other person. He had a condo up at Brian Head Ski resort, and it was fall, another hot button season for me! Do you want to go up in the mountains? Another score! Yes, and we didn't come down for a month! Having all the Mormon sex, without having sex, that couples with our backgrounds and beliefs would allow . . . but this is where the juicy part comes in and the lecture, I knew Fred was a very strong Mormon, and committed to his stand on not having premarital sex . . . I was not that opposed to not having sex, I respected his position, but did all I could to get him to break it! LOL! Him conducting scripture study each night didn't deter me, it only turned me on more, I like a Godly man, but Adam fell didn't he? LOL! I never listened, but planned the next night's torture for him to endure, sticking to his morals!
Animal Instinct
The Breaking Point, Forced on the BED, Arms Pinned Over My Head, Helpless, Levi Snap Dress, Ripped Open, Bra Used to Lock Arms Overhead, Knees Forced Between My Bare Legs, Looming Hot Body Over Me, Speechless, Focused, Trance-Like, Shocked At His Strength, Second Hand, Unbuckling His Belt, Unzipping his Pants, Anger, Collapsing, Rolling, Deep Breathing, A Tear Coming Out of the Corner of His Eye . . . Not a Word . . . So Turned On, Fighting, But Daring Him To Just Do It!
We had slept together for a month, but had our lines, my bra, and panties, his Jesus jammies . . . wandering hands, but, I would never let him touch beyond that point, not necessarily because I cared or didn't want it like crazy, but, just to play, punish, tease, game with him. But, I on the other hand, put my hand down his bottoms, just enough, to miss his vital organs, if you know what I mean . . . he was kind of the strong, silent type, in these situations, an artist, a train, retiree, with an early retirement and pension, due to an accident, but he was a deep thinker, and didn't say much, just kind of trusted me, and I stopped him, if he pushed the lines, but a total turn on, the anticipation, and all. Finally, one night, after playing chess, walking in the fall leaves, sitting by the fire and going out to dinner, after not wanting to take time away from us, to do laundry, needing to wash my panties, and other clothing, I opted, to go bare, with just my bra on, and wear a dress, rather than wash my normal clothes.
I was wearing a blue Levi, snapped from top to bottom, dress with just my bra on underneath, and he knew it. I had messed around, feet under the table, kissing, challenging each other, mentally and physically, resisting going after each other in the restaurant, but when we go home, with all the lights on, I got the closest thing to being raped, with the man, I least expected, and it shocked the hell out of me, enough to fight him, learning the true strength of a man, not much taller than myself, with one arm that had the muscle removed because of an accident at work, where his arm got twisted in the machinery on the train . . . didn't seem to make one bit of difference, he was simply so much stronger than I was, it took me back, and I feared him for a while that night, and all the teasing was not a joke anymore, even though, I wasn't objectionable to having sex with him, was attracted to him, even wanted him bad, but something switched in him, turned, took over, and it scared me! He got a bit mean and aggressive . . .
The Situation . . . Did I Deserve To Be Raped? Was This My Fault, Passed Through My Head, As His Hot Breath Covered My Face, His Lips on My Breasts, All Over My Body . . . I Was In Ecstasy, And In Pain at the Same Time! I Could Not Move! What Was He Doing?
We had not been in the condo for very long, nothing really leading up to this event, other than messing around and playing during dinner, I think it may have been what I was wearing, one of those things that women hate to get questioned on in a rape trial, as if they provoked the rape, or that they asked for it . . . it was the furthest thing from my mind, it was really just a matter of being too lazy and preoccupied to want to do laundry, so that I had underwear, not much thought beyond that! But, I could also understand, that, the only thing that had changed, was the fact that I was wearing an extremely accessible dress, and he knew I didn't have underwear on, because he had suggested all day that I do my laundry, did he think I planned this? Or that I intentionally wanted to tempt him, which I didn't think was possible, enough to get him, in this mode of, I am going to have my way with you, once and for all!
Without warning, he pushed me back on the bed, hard enough to make me wonder what was going on . . . I thought he was joking with me, but that didn't seem to be evidenced by his remarks, his voice changed, and he started saying, something about being a tease, and now, you are going to get what you want or deserve, and I was like, for a month, we have been sleeping together, and you were as strong and resolved, as a saint, and now, you are doing what? I tried to get up from the bed, and grabbed my dress that was covering me, only by a set of snaps, that were as easy to snap, as if I was a baby, being held down by a parent trying to get me out of my clothes and ready for a bath or something. I started to say, what are you doing? And thought, I could just get up . . . he forced me back down on the bed, and as if he was a pro, in almost an unbroken swoop of his hands, and just seconds involved, he forced my hands over my head, while I struggled to get loose, taken back by the whole thing, but it was not a joke, and he wasn't laughing or backing off.
Somehow, he simultaneously, held my hands over my head, tore the dress apart, took his hands, that had never touched my breasts, ran his other hand, up under my bra, and I must confessed, I was so turned on, but still scared, took my bra, up above my shoulders and upper arms, making the bra, act as a rope, or material, that was working in his favor, leaving me totally, unable to move my hands or arms, he kissed, sucked, nuzzled, moved his face, all over my breasts, pushing, softly biting my nipples, tense and terse with pleasure and pain, the other hand was all over my bare body, and there was not a thing I could do, or wanted to do, absolutely, dying with pleasure, but fighting his knees that were now trying to get between my locked at the ankles feet, and again, the task of forcing my legs apart, was like nothing, and he was buried as deep as he could go with his pants on, without a hint of consciousness, nor stopping.
Once, clearly in complete control of both the situation, me, my body, and my legs spread apart, he stood, between them, and reached and took off his shirt, crashing down on me again, I was dying with the skin to skin contact, wanting him so bad, but not knowing where this was going, or wear it would end, and as what cost, in emotional, physical, and spiritual price. I was sure, he would get control and stop . . . he didn't, he, pushed up, with just shear, power, with what to prop him up, he started to take off his belt, and I was like, he is going to rape me! Sex was one thing, rape, if you could call it that, I sort of protested, until I couldn't move, motionless, it became, a fascination with his face, his body, his strength, his willingness to want me beyond his resolve not to have sex, that turned me on big time, Adam, Eve, the sin, to me, always had been about sex, not the apple, nor Satan or the snake, but basic instinct, so natural, so easy, so right, so powerful, but so loaded with, now what? As he pulled off his belt, and smothered me, with his whole body, the full weight, the full passion, and i am not going to lie, I wanted him as bad as he wanted me . . . and just about the time, both of us were going to cecum to animal instincts, his higher self kicked in, and he slowly, without a word, rolled over, onto the bed, and just totally collapsed, almost rubber-like, wasted, and just laid there, and I was kissing him all over, my motor was not stopping, and I didn't know what stopped him, or what he was thinking, he didn't speak for about two hours! I kissed his eyes, his tears, but, I don't think the relationship was ever the same again, did I push him too far, did he, like Ray, feel he had sinned, needed to repent, or I never talked about it and neither did he, again.
Shades of Grey, In More Than One Way . . . On the Continuum, On a Rape Scale, from 1 to 10, Would He, Should He, Could He Be Ever Held Liable for or Charged with Rape? I Don't Know, that I Said, Yes or No! I Never Intended to Have Sex with Him, But? It is Complicated!
I never thought we would have sex, never intended to have sex, teased him mercilessly, drew lines, with himself, and watched that I didn't cross his lines, no matter how close, I got to doing that, and he was always strong, and I was too. I guess I never thought, the dress, or the fact that I was not wearing underwear, would have any effect on him at all, I just didn't think of it, and as for being called a tease, and him, kind of indicating he was going to give me what I deserved, what did I deserve, hadn't we been playing this game of touch, tease, squeeze, tempt, push a bit, stop, all the time, for a month, and we never crossed the line. I am not sure what happened, that night, the dinner, the foot games, I had never done that before, so, what triggered a very different man? The mystery of men and women, I don't know to this day, what changed, if anything. A good topic to discuss with college kids, high school, is there something that women are not aware of, that pushes a guy beyond their extreme control, and throws them into an altered state, and a guy who you would think, would never entertain the thoughts of rape, nor lead me to believe he would, even while he had me pinned, and totally defenseless . . . did he want to show me he could if he wanted to, or was it a power and control thing?
We all know what a rape at a 10 looks like . . . a stranger, jumping out of the bushes, a knife to your throat, and forced, non-consensual sex in every way. But, what about this situation, it is probably somewhere in the middle, or is is just a lack of understanding of men and women, a mistaken communication, misleading at best, and is that enough to either exonerate him, or find him guilty. I didn't think either the dress or the underwear were an issue at all, the teasing was not new, so? I am sure that guys and girls would have different takes on what happened, and both would be confused, as they tried to ferret out the intents, the minds, the culpability of the parties, if is were to go to trial. As a Mormon, which would come into it, and much like with Ray, it happened, I enjoyed it, never planned on having sex, and I was shocked, but there was not element of force whatsoever, no shock, no pain, no element of surprise, just kind of like, well that is how nicely the male and female anatomy fit together, like a hand in glove . . . but, again, I never turned the corner, thinking we would start having sex all the time, or that what he did was right, while it goes down in my sexual history, as so pivotal, interesting and probably on of the most amped sexual experiences of my life, but had he forced sex with me, would I have reacted the same way . . . the whole thing became almost surreal, fascinating by way of understanding what was going on, almost an out of body experience . . . one that kicked in my intellectual side as much as it did my physical, and did my lack of resistance, recognition of his power, stop what appeared to be inevitable?
They say that rape is not about sex, but about power and control over another person, once he had achieved that power over me, and I relaxed, as if in a kind of surrender, and stop fighting him, did it break a fantasy for him, like it did the real rape attempt, I had when I college student, and the guy had me pinned, I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was going to rape me, and I said, no you are not! That seemed to break the fantasy, which is exactly what they said on the radio program the day before . . . did the fact that I just laid there, not fighting and looking at him, knowing he could have done anything he wanted to me, made him realize, he was giving me no other choice, but his choice? What was the collapsing, the tears, the silence? These are the areas, that I think create the most trouble for colleges, for couples, for married people and single alike, do we ever want to force someone to have sex with us, even if we are strong enough to make them? Men will, in most cases, always be able to have their way, so to say, with women, due to strength and I am a pretty strong woman. Fred, was my size, but an inch or two taller, but he only had half his muscle in the on arm and still could do anything he wanted to, to me. I was rendered inoperable, but it that the way you want it? Who knows what would have happened, but things did change. After that, I wanted to get away from the cabin, the mountains, and even kissing, didn't seem to hold the same charged up reaction . . . does love die with force?
