It's Saturday, We Need Some Fun . . . Hot Rod Movie, Reminded Me of Mr. James Kennedy!
The other day, or rather night, I had a 7 hour layover, in Butte, Montana, at the bus terminal, the scene of the crime, Kennedy, so peacefully sleeping, lips parsed, perfectly separated, kissable, body relaxed in a dream state, with me wondering if I should take advantage of him or not, worried, that he might, waken a beast, rather than the beauty of a man he is . . . just because I trash someone on my blog, doesn't mean that he will forever be removed from my mind, especially, when I am in the town, with no other choice, all roads lead to Butte, in Montana, when riding the bus, where I met the man, who caught my eye and entertained my heart, for a while, and at times does again, off and on . . . but, there was this corny teen movie on called, Hot Rod, and the kid, who played the lead role, reminded me of the Kennedy that appeared after all the scamming chick lines he could employ and use on me, with no avail, but at least making me know he was interested, and not only interested, but actually actively pursuing me, more like a 9th grader with a crush on the prom queen, than, the bad ass biker, mountain man he is, or I think he is.
I only got to see the first half hour or so, and the part that reminded me of him, was, his boy like crush on the neighbor girl, and the actor's physique, somewhat reminded me of James' who is in perfect physical fitness by all appearances, wondering how that is possible, since all he chugs down in the morning is a shit load of coffee, and he tops that off with cigarettes, or pot, since we are in Colorado, I can say it without getting him in trouble, but, in Montana, he should not be smoking the stuff! I always error on the side of safety, especially, because a false move, given my history with the cops, might mean the death penalty for me! LOL! Hell, I don't even need to commit a crime, for the cops to want my head on a spear to parade around the nation! So, I will pass . . . don't like it anyway, but defend your right and Kennedy's right to do what he wants with his body . . . he is free, male and over the age of 21! Do what you want, but, as your attorney, only do it in Colorado, Washington, and Washington, D.C.! Don't want to have to defend your sorry asses!
My Greatest Flaw in Love . . . Something Psychologists Call Projection
I have the bad habit, of taking my noble, impeccable, and admirable, character traits, such as in my commitment to the oaths I take, like in marriage, defending, protecting and preserving the U.S. and whatever state I happen to be in, Constitutions, at whatever personal, private, and professional risk, effort, and cost. And as a result, whatever man of the moment, that I am interested in, acts like a looking glass to me, and rather than taking the man at face value, for exactly what I see him doing, I tend to take him, them and create them in my own image. Does that make sense? Since I am loyal, committed, faithful . . . not that we have a relationship of any merit, and probably never will, the principles are the same, but I am faithful, for the most part or as far and as long as I can, and if I will stray, I divorce, breakup, or leave first, rather than betray some one's trust, they have in me. That goes for the professional arena too. I picture, Kennedy, much in the same light as I do myself, risking all fates, temptations, like a money bribe, or a promise of a hotter version of me, if that were possible, LOL, and love would conquer all, exposure to death, fire, and wrath of peer groups, doing what we all took an oath to do, without exceptions!
However, I am an idealist, and the Constitution is an ideal, that we have yet to reach, as I witnessed in the statements from a wonderful, 97 year old black man, who has not only succeeded in conquering prejudice, although, he said, he has been fortunate, given the time period he has lived in between 1918 when he was born, and up to the present time, not only going to an Ivy League university, getting a master's degree, and working as an engineer, all over the world for large and successful companies, being the envy of many a white man, who claimed all along his pathway to success, that due to the color of his skin, he could not succeed or get the promotion, the job, the education, or the raises that he did, with the white crackers, doing all in their power, to stop his clawing and scratching his way to the top of the fields he worked in. One his first job, the boss said, I can't hire you, you are black . . . he said, no, I am brown, and putting his skin up next to something that was truly black, he said, now that is black and I am brown! The boss hired him, because he was such a smart alack! I asked him when he retired, and he said, three weeks ago! The boss valued him so much, and kept him long beyond retirement, until he finally threw in the towel and said he didn't function the way he used to, and quit, at age 97! The boss still tried to keep this man, he had so much respect for, and had nothing but total trust in, a rare commodity now days!
No Excuses for Failure . . . If So . . . Let Me Help You!
He lived in all white neighborhoods, that were very wealthy, and many people, his neighbors, like a rich brain surgeon, informed him when doing his lawns and flower gardens himself that he needed to have servants to do that for him . . . so he hired the best and the brightest landscape architects, and put the rest of the hood to shame, with the neighbors, complaining about that too! LOL! He had such a good attitude, and he spread it to a young man, he met in the bus terminal . . . told him the keys to making money, and said if the young man, didn't find the job he wanted and some semblance of success, where he was going, to come back to him, in Las Vegas, and he would actually put him into some type of educational training, college or something and make a success of him! Awesome! I guess he and his wife are of the Pentecostal Faith, and he said they both live very comfortable, but any money, beyond their basic living expenses, he donates the surplus to the church or some other good cause, and he has already set up three college funds, for three young people in his church! So cool . . . and his wife, each week, goes around to the grocery stores, and gathers all the food, that has an expired date, some that haven't yet, also, and brings them to set at the church for people in need . . . she is 67 years old, and they are both still serving, loving, sharing, and making great contributions to the world. It was fun talking to him for 5 hours, through the night and getting ideas, and being inspired by his great life, and seeing him, look a good 20 years younger, with health, vitality, and goodness, truly someone worth emulating!
You Need to Not Only Be Educated, But Learn to Manipulate Your Education or Learning--Application of the Concept of Projection
This man, was raised in Michigan, in a family of 11, 9 kids, and he said he never even heard of the concept of money, currency, until he was 7 years old, and some man told him about money! And he said he started making it from that point forward, saying, I can do that. By age 10 he was making more money than his father, who told him, if he didn't get control over his attitudes, he could just pack up his stuff and leave! All done tongue in cheek, of course, but he took the lawn clipping from grass, gathered it up from all the neighbors, in a little wagon, and took it over the the white section of town, said he was never discriminated against, nor sent away, and sold it to them for filling for their chicken coops, giving the chickens, their eggs and chicks, a softer bed to lay in and for the people to gather the eggs from, rather than the harder hey. He sold copies of Life and Post magazines to the rich white folks, and had a hopping business, like I said, making more than his father, who mainly did bartering for what the family needed. He said, a person can always create a service, a product, or something of value, that other people will need, use, and buy!
Just a note on money, this man has made in his prime, upwards to millions in a two year period with his own company . . . but after all that, he says anything beyond his needs he gives away, and each week, he has his wife, give him only $16 just to have some cash in his hands! And he said, in most weeks, he is unlikely to even spend that! I think if money is your goal, you are chasing the elusive butterfly, but if you do what you love, you will always love what you do, and the money just seems to come naturally. Transitioning, to the personal relationship realm, let's go forward to the application or the manipulation of knowledge or learning. But first, a note on education, out of the 9 children, from very poor roots, living during Jim Crow laws of separate but, equal, 6 of his sisters, got Ph.Ds and three taught at colleges! Their mother didn't even know how to read and write! I can see where he gets his attitude, that there is not excuse to do something other than succeed, make money and get ahead in life, because if any family, kids, had an excuse for facing challenges, his family could!
The Only Problems with One of These . . . Is They Think, They Need One of These! Pointing to Women, Having to Have a Man!
This was the opening statement, in a communications class, I had, at Weber State University, as a communications minor, English major, and having been married at that time for about 12 years, so, at the time, that, proudly didn't apply to me or my situation; however, times change, and sometimes we chose to go into the wild, jungle or the mature, if it can qualify, landscape of the older dating scene and all its follies, pitfalls, and extremes! This phase that some of you will go through, or are in, or see your parents go through, is not for the faint of heart. Like I have previously said, James Kennedy has been married 6 times and me, 4 times . . . so, you can only imagine the personal baggage, and psychological burdens, that both of us face, by ourselves, but together, shit, could we ever even have a chance? And this is all hypothetical, because I have not seen, talked to, or met up with the mountain man, for a while, and my never again . . . but, at times it makes life more fun to have an object of my emotions and affections, regardless of reality . . . that has never seemed like a condition for random loving for me, remember, I am an idealist!
I was married to my first husband, the father of my four children, for roughly 15 years. And about every 5 years or so, I get this weak thought, that I need one of those, men! LOL! And Mr. Kennedy, came along, at just about the 5 year mark since my last marriage, so it is time for stupid me, again, to fall to the idea, that it might be nice to share my life with someone, sit by a fire, hold hands, watch a sunset, but when I do get hitched, that need dissipates, and my need for freedoms, starts to replace those cozy little feelings, and the call of the wild, beckons me! I have a romantic attention span of about 18 months, and then, something takes over, and I fly the coop! My need for nesting, comfort, security, and even a committed love, just kind of up and walks away. Now, I am not a good example in this area, and people wonder how I can be so smart in the law, and so stupid in personal relationships . . . I haven't figured that one out yet. The one thing that gives me thought, and reason with James, is he is about a wild as I am, and as in algebra, two negatives might make a positive! LOL! But, again, it may not, so, it is a flip of the coin, if I ever see him again, but I am at least curious enough to check it out, or at least I think I would be willing? But is he, and where is he, is he still alive?
The question still remains, is he who I am projecting him to be, like I did with my last four lovers, husbands, and whatever? Or, am I letting his brutal good looks, cloud my vision, and mind, making him, merely a figment of my imagination . . . I really don't know him all that well, he could be just a shell of a man, with nothing but looks and that would never work for me. Or again, he could be deep, learned, and someone that I would adore? I guess that is the fun of discovery . . . just keep the projections out of the relationship and see the man for who he is, standing alone, free and unfettered by your personality and character. We tend to think that since we are honest, they are honest, because we love them, they surely must love us, or because we are smart, and they have 9 years of post-graduate education behind them, that they are telling the truth, or that is makes them smarter than the average man, that is somewhat lacking in my mind, thoughts and heart, real or not! Extrapolate yourself out of the equation, deal with what you see, because that is what you are going to get. Much like a criminal case, or a situation, judge the man or woman, men on facts, evidence, experience, and exposure, through manipulating the situation to reveal the real person, not the one you want them to be! With the Kennedy name, there is a lot of expectation, both by way of good in a political sense, but not so good, in a personal sense . . . Kennedy men? I wish I could ask Marilyn?
Hot Rod and the Good Traits, Through Evidence, Experience and Facts
Unlike most women, I have to factor in the government factor, that this person may not be who they say they are, or who they look like they belong to, and that their motives are noble and beyond reproach, or devious, dastardly, and contrary to your best interest, whether in a relationship or not, like they are there to assassinate you, that handsome Mr. 24, who is nothing more than bait, to lure you into a vulnerable situation, leaving you open to things, places, and events that may not be in your best interest, and better, had they never been presented, with huge, and horrible consequences . . . always possible, you are an assignment, an experiment, a lab rat to be tested, watched and later sacrificed in the name of science, the government, or national security! But, at least at first, this didn't seem to be the case with Kennedy, he genuinely, and I felt it, the lost ring thing, early impressions . . . but, he seemed authentically interested, cool, easy, and if I was assigned to clean the tables after the crew at the Butte Rescue Mission ate, he was helping me, putting up chairs, or if reading scriptures, he seemed to know them, or he would wait, like the guy in the movie, who had a crush on the next door neighbor and wait for me, pretending to be shoveling the sidewalks, and just happened to be out, when I would get back from writing my blog at the library or somewhere.
The gals who would pay attention to all the little things going on at the Mission, would notice, that James, always, looked in the door, for where I was sitting, and then, never failed, to go up and pull up a chair, near mine, pulling my chair closer to his . . . I dug that, miss it, and felt that was real. I could feel, that the closer we got, the more he was at risk, of getting hurt, or paying for just simply liking me, and felt I should have left weeks or at least days earlier, so he didn't suffer the fate of other guys, who dared like me . . . sad as that sounds, when you deal in the level and power of the guys I was with, they had the power to put the hurt on him, just for looking at me, not that they wanted me, they just didn't want him with me. I had hurt them and they knew, that it was much harder to hurt me personally, than to hurt someone I cared about, which would hurt me more, so the weapon of choice, is to go after the heart throb, hurt them, or condition me to leave them. I know, that when I left, the day, I knew, that ears other than mine and his, heard the sweet somethings we whispered, he would be hurt if I didn't leave, which I did, often being in denial, until it was too late, not this time . . . I left, you can only remain in ignorance or bliss, and then it becomes your fault, well, not really, but whether you like it or not, that is just the way it is.
Terms of Endearment
One time, I saw James come out of the men's dorm, before me, until he saw where I was, and he actually, went back downstairs, and came up again, acting, nonchalant, and just happened to always hit me at just the right time, but I loved it, that little bit of attention, that someone like me would appreciate. I loved the intense way he would actually listen to what I had to say, as far as his broken leg, and remedies, that might help. I told him to drink more milk and not just coffee, at dinner that night, he not only got a drink of milk, he took the whole gallon, and downed in, right in front of me . . . that shows he cared what I had to say, and valued the in put, which is cool. I told him to do rotation exercises to keep the flexibility in his ankles, showing him, what to do, and he took it to heart. My first husband, the things I said to him the first week, were the same things I would have said after 15 years, just didn't seem to give a shit, while being a cool guy and a good man. James always made sure I had Diet Coke money, shared what he had . . . just little things, but the things that make so much difference in a relationship, doing something right! He proved, not in a huge way, that he cared about what I said, and what I thought.
One time, James found a blanket, somewhere, that he wanted to clean for his tramp camp, and he had washed the blanket, and asked me, assuming I do something, other than throw my clothes away, and get a new roll of Walmart underwear, once in a while, asked me, where to put the fabric softener, in the washing machine . . . I hadn't done wash, since I bought new washer and dryer, for my Parowan house, in 2012, when they started chasing me non-stop between, Utah and Montana. I told him, I didn't know, and I really didn't; I believe, someone else told him where to put the softener, it may be in the wash cycle, shows you what I remember! LOL! Wrong gal to ask, but, that's me. Somehow, James figured it out, and after the blanket got out of the wash, I think, he came in just like a little kid, all excited at how clean he got the blanket! He held it up, showed me the blanket from all sides, and mentioned that it looked brand new, and it did, but his delight was what was fun, just so amazed that this filthy blanket could get clean . . . I remember, thinking, that is kind of like repentance and what Christ's grace can do for people . . . Jesus, my only hope is in you . . . there is no grave that your love can't resurrect! I wondered if James saw the comparison?
One time, James found a blanket, somewhere, that he wanted to clean for his tramp camp, and he had washed the blanket, and asked me, assuming I do something, other than throw my clothes away, and get a new roll of Walmart underwear, once in a while, asked me, where to put the fabric softener, in the washing machine . . . I hadn't done wash, since I bought new washer and dryer, for my Parowan house, in 2012, when they started chasing me non-stop between, Utah and Montana. I told him, I didn't know, and I really didn't; I believe, someone else told him where to put the softener, it may be in the wash cycle, shows you what I remember! LOL! Wrong gal to ask, but, that's me. Somehow, James figured it out, and after the blanket got out of the wash, I think, he came in just like a little kid, all excited at how clean he got the blanket! He held it up, showed me the blanket from all sides, and mentioned that it looked brand new, and it did, but his delight was what was fun, just so amazed that this filthy blanket could get clean . . . I remember, thinking, that is kind of like repentance and what Christ's grace can do for people . . . Jesus, my only hope is in you . . . there is no grave that your love can't resurrect! I wondered if James saw the comparison?
When I Came Back a Second Time . . . I Could Feel the Hurt!
I left without telling him, I was leaving, first because, I didn't want surveillance picking up what we were saying and where I was going . . . I am at the most risk, when in route to some, undisclosed destination, because, nobody knows were I am 90% of the time, that I care about, but the bad guys who want my ass buried somewhere in the backwoods, do know, but element of surprise gives me an edge and it can't be underestimated . . . and I can't afford to sit and discuss it, or debate leaving, I just do it! If I had my way, and felt that James was safe, I would never have left his side, ever, with things looking good and digging what was going on, never . . . but I couldn't tell him that, and bear the burden of them possibly killing him, like the others, and he could at least survive the emotional pain and live, but waiting, may cost him his life . . . an he would not even know why! It took him a week or so after I got back, to even approach me and ask, why I left, his tone, his voice, his mannerisms, and the pain, let me know, it hurt him way more than he was leading on, and that hurt, but was necessary, and so was the second time I left, after he asked me to go to Durango, or suggested it, knowing, that with a third surveillance camera up on the wall, placed there in the last week, they were watching and both of us, not hanging out the way we did before.
We sat across the room from each other and pretended to be almost strangers, after I told him about the other guys who had suffered a fate, way worse than his, which killed me just with that, hated to see, someone so fit, so physical, so high energy, struggle with the broken leg or the wound from the shot, or whatever, and see him be limited in what he could do, knowing he hated the restrictions, the crutches, the awkward leg and foot boot. I think that may have hurt me, more than he knew, and knowing that it may very well, have been in a connected way, my fault. They say, in dog bite cases, that each owner gets one free bite, and then from that point after, the owner is negligent and liable for the mean dogs actions. That is somewhat what I have to deal with, after knowing, and denying the fact that there are ex-husbands, much like O.J. Simpson, who would rather see their wife dead, than have another man with her. Regardless of whether I agree with what Frank aka Allan, 4th husband from hell, not to mention Brett, and his revenge with Kay, and the girls club, he throws in my face, trying to make me feel bad, by stealing everything that would have been his, had I not left him! James may even know these guys, if he is who I think he is, could be best friends, associates, buddies, and could have started out with their intents on his mind, but, like both of them, he liked me too . . . could have been eventually paid to leave me alone, or wanted to after he saw the cost, or just moved on . . . too hot to last! Leaving him the second time, may have just kicked it into the trash can, or he could be a cop with tons of pressure to ditch the witch! Understandable, but I had good intentions, with him in mind . . . price too high to pay, and under the cops scales, I, a brainiac, pale in comparison to the fake boobs headless Mooseman, LOL, or the alleged charm of Kay, the bald babe, who is worshiped for all my stuff, but they can't stand it when I did all they claimed she did, suffer from amnesia!
Sneaky Looks of Love! Baseball Cap Miracles!
I did, however, while not getting to sit by James, with surveillance all over, get to sit across the mess hall from him, while I would catch him looking at me, trying not to get caught . . . I would wear a hat, down low over my eyes, and watch him without being detected by him! I am more sneaky than he is . . . men are like dogs, women like cats. Cats don't listen to people! LOL! I always enjoyed looking at him and catching him, giving me a glance, when he didn't think I was looking, but I always was, pretending not to care! Spending my time with other people or gone, but thinking of him! Whatever, days gone by, spilt milk! Maybe we will get a second chance after the Patriot Act, sunsets! May be the cops will realize I beat them and let me be with whomever I want to be!Check FBI Files . . . All Detectives or Most, Fat . . . Goes with Sitting on Your Ass 24/7 Solving Crimes!
I am fucking 60 years old, compare me to U.S. Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, careers that fit bodies, very attractive, but put time into brain growth, rather than working out all the time. Compare the physical level of a P.E. major, compared to an English major . . . compare a flight attendant on her feet all the time serving, those valuable peanuts and Coke to the physical level of an attorney, sitting on their ass, talking to clients, doing research, writing briefs, sitting in court, and driving to court! Fast food, super size me, but get me to court in time! Careers that fit . . . all the detectives, with few exceptions, who have been doing cop work and earned that position, sitting around, thinking, rather than being in the field, or giving tickets, like when they were young and beat cops, all are fat! Careers that fit! Double standards not welcome!
I have memberships to four gyms, and every time I start to get in shape, they start fucking with me . . . the exercise is not problem, the chasing me out of the city when I start looking like I used to is! The evidence is on my purse, I have several of the plastic passes still hooked to my purse . . . I slim fast, and they know it, at the Summit, they were on my ass in less than three days, Rachel can't pull of being me, when I am thin, so they have a vested interest in keeping me unrecognizable, there is method to their madness! Plus, the broken hearts club band, will be more angry at me for leaving them, than they already are! It is like, just grow up, and leave me the hell alone! Like I told Allan aka Frank, who told me he had slept with over 800 women and he had never been treated like he had been from me . . . yeah, and you were with bar flies and mall rats, amp it up, buddy, you are with a fucking attorney, and not the average attorney either! Bit difference, so your little nameless, faceless dreams, might want to put faces on, because just because all women have tits and ass, they are not all of equal value, as far as merit and they are fucking not inter-changeable!
Every Relationship, But Your First, Unless Daddy and Mommy Fucked With Your Brain, Has Psychological Baggage!
I have to remind me, that this is the case with James too, with abandonment issues, with wife issues, previous relationships, but I have been married to the last three men, who were totally out to destroy me, take everything I had, loved, cherished as a means of punishment for their hearts, that I probably didn't care for like I should have . . . we are all the sum total of our relationships to this point and the person has to take all of us! Wounded warriors in this game of love, are battle weary, cut, bruised, injured, both physically and emotionally, so patience and love, should dictate; however, both parties have to be totally honest and have full and fair disclosure, but me and James never got to get that far, may never get their again. But, I wish things were different, but I need someone in my court, not against me, it is hard, with me against all the power, guns, surveillance, numbers . . . I am out numbered, by thousands, and am expected to compete, being run ragged, while those taking my place, got a sweet ride on my name, blah, blah, blah . . . it is hard to compete with my best self, working with my battered self, beat up by the statewide battering systems, doing all in their power to take me, not only down, but out! That is permanently! So, things are what they are . . . I am committed to teach where I can, correct misconceptions, explain what happened, at least to clear the air.
