"A culture that cannot distinguish between reality and illusion dies. And we are dying now. We will either wake from our state of induced childishness, one where trivia and gossip apps for news and information, one where our goal is not justice but an elusive and unattainable happiness, to confront the stark limitations before us, or we will continue our headlong retreat into fantasy. Those who cling to fantasy in times of despair and turmoil inevitably turn to demagogues and charlatans to entertain and reassure them. And these demagogues, as they have throughout history, lead the crowd, blinded and amused, towards despotism."
--Chris Hedges
FAR FROM, NOT, BEING ATTRACTED! I HAVE MORALS! MOST OF THESE MEN, ARE 20 YEARS MY JUNIORS! I AM SIMPLY, NOT WHAT THEY NEED!
I GENERALLY, OPERATE AS A "CATCH AND RELEASE" TYPE GAL, BEING OLDER AND MORE EDUCATED, THAN, MOST AGENTS. BUT, EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I THROW ONE BACK, CAN READ THE HURT IN THEIR WALK, EVEN APOLOGIZE, FOR REJECTING THEM . . . DON'T FEEL BAD, I DO THIS TO ALL OF THEM, AS HE HANGS HIS HEAD AND WALKS AWAY! THERE ARE SOME, THAT, LIKE DR. SCARPETTA, HOURS, DAYS, LATER, WHEN THEY CAN'T SHAKE THE ATTRACTION, FINDING THEMSELVES, THINKING ABOUT THE MAN, THEY JUST DITCHED, EVEN, ADMITTING, "I AM GOING TO REGRET DOING THAT," TO QUOTE, A LIBERTY MUTUAL INSURANCE AD! AS THE DUDE JUST REALIZES THAT HE THREW HIS WALLET, WITH ALL I.D., IN THE NEW YORK HARBOR!
LOL.
THREE MAJOR PROTOTYPES OF WOMEN, IN THIS BOOK: (1) THE CONSUMMATE PROFESSIONAL, LETTERED, EARNED HER WAY AND HER KEEP--THERE IS NOT SHORTCUT TO SUCCESS IS HER MANTRA, AND SHE PROVES IT DAILY; (2) THE SEX POT, POLICE CAPTAIN, WHO SLEPT HER WAY TO THE TOP, AND USES HER, SEXUAL FEMININE SKILLS, TO HURT, USE, AND ABUSE PEOPLE . . . SHE ENDS UP DEAD! NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN WHERE SHE GOT ALL HER MONEY! (3) THE FLUNKY NEW DETECTIVE, WHO KNOWS, LITTLE OF HER JOB, BUT CURRIES FAVORS, FOR THE CHICK, SHE ADMIRES, IRONICALLY, IS NAMED, DETECTIVE ANDERSON, SHELLEY'S FIRST MARRIED NAME! SHE IS A LAP DOG, AS SHELLEY, MIGHT BE TO KAY, WITH A LAW DEGREE, BUT WHO HAS USED SEX, TO PASS LAW SCHOOL, SLEEPS WITH OPPOSING COUNSEL, AND HAS MORE FAITH IN HER SEXUAL SKILLS, THAN HER LEGAL SKILLS . . . NOT STUPID, BY ANY MEANS, BUT, THRILLS AND KILLS, TO GET HER KICKS! HOT MESS, MIGHT DESCRIBE HER. ALTHOUGH, 12 YEARS AGO, THE LAST TIME I SAW HER, SHE, LOOKED, HAGGARD AND WORN OUT! BRETT DIDN'T THINK SO . . . YOU SEE, THE HONEY TRAP MEN, ASSUME, THAT, LIKE OTHER WOMEN, THEY HAVE YOU IN THE PALM OF THEIR HANDS . . . THAT IS NEVER THE CASE WITH ME, DON'T EVER ASSUME, THAT I LOVE SOMEONE MORE THAN, I LOVE MYSELF! LOL. TERRIBLE, STUPID, MISTAKE . . . THEN, ONCE THEY THINK THEY HAVE YOU, AS A FORM OF CONTROL, MANIPULATION, PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, THEY START TO CHEAT, AND THEN, GET PISSED, WHEN, YOU DITCH THEIR SORRY ASSES, BLOWING THEIR, IMAGE OF THEMSELVES . . . PEOPLE GET THE MOST ANGRY ABOUT, SOMETHING THEY PERCEIVE TO BE, A KNOWN TRUTH ABOUT THEMSELVES, THAT IS BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER, BY THIS OTHER PERSON . . . I CAN WALK AWAY FROM ANY MAN . . . I LOVE MYSELF MORE! NOT IN A NARCISSISTIC SENSE, BUT, IN A TAKE'EM OR LEAVE'EM SENSE. TOP SPIES, WHO ARE PERFORMING FOR THEIR BROS, HATE BEING REJECTED, BY THEIR TARGETS . . . ALL CAUGHT ON VIDEO! CAT VIDEOS. HOW DOES A MAN, LIKE THAT SAVE FACE? GO WITH WHO HE CHEATED WITH, AND GET PISSED AT THE REAL PERSON, AND CREATE A FAKE, OBJECT OF DESIRE! IT MUST WORK, BECAUSE, AS I HAVE REJECTED, ABOUT 10 TOP DOGS, ALL HAVE TURNED TO SISTERS, OR ATTORNEY FRIENDS, OR ACQUAINTANCES, AND HOOKED UP WITH THEM, PROMOTING, ANOTHER JOANN S. SECRIST, J.D., USING AND ABUSING THEIR CONNECTIONS, POWERS AND PRESTIGE, WHICH, I GIVE THEM! INTERESTING PHENOMENA, I DON'T NEED A "MUSCLE BOYFRIEND" BECAUSE, I HAVEN'T FOUND A MAN, WHO HAS MORE MUSCLE IN LAW ENFORCEMENT, THAN I DO, AND I HAVE IT IN SO MANY OTHER AREAS!
"A symbol of membership in a powerful, violent club, and a reminder that once in, you're in for life, because tattoos don't come off. The only way out of the One-Sixty-Fiver cartel is death." . . . "It's a her," I answered. "Sometimes the hers are worse than the hims, it's been my experience. More threatened, more insecure. Women tend to do each other in when we should be helping each other along." . . . "It's, Kay. That's how bad these people are. They tried to blow your niece's brains out. Then they tried to blow her up. It's not an abstraction to you, no is it?" . . . "Abstraction or not, you feel the cruel, cold jaws of it when it crushes someone you love." Talley wouldn't let it go. "Don't let these assholes crush anyone else. You have a debt to pay. Lucy was spared."
WHOOPS, DAUGHTER NEEDS HER COMPUTER . . . SORRY, YOU WILL HAVE TO READ THE BOOK, CLEVER EXCHANGE BETWEEN THE DR. AND THE IVY LEAGUE, AGENT!
LOL.
P.S., A BREAK IN MY DAUGHTER WRITING HER NOVEL. DR. ATTORNEY, VS. IVY LEAGUE AGENT IN LOVER'S SPAT. I'M GOING TO BULLET, AND LEAVE ALL THE QUOTE MARKS OUT. THIS DIALOGUE STARTS, ON PAGE 376.
- I didn't mean to do this to you, I said.
- Tears touched his eyes and he quickly looked away.
- I never meant to. It's my fault, I softly said.
- Fault? he said. Fault? I didn't realize there was fault involved, as in something to be blamed. As in a mistake.
- He leaned into the table and smiled smugly, as if he were a detective who'd just tripped me with a trick question.
- Fault. Hmmmm, he pondered, blowing smoke.
- Jay, you're so young, I said. Someday you'll understand--
- I can't help my age. he interrupted me in a voice that caused glances.
- And you live in France, for god's sake.
- There are worse places to live.
- You can dance around worse all you want, Jay, I said. But reality always has its way with people.
- You're sorry, aren't you? He leaned back. I know so much about you, and then I go and do something as stupid as that.
- I never said it was stupid.
- It's because you aren't ready.
- I was getting upset, too.
- You can't possibly know if I'm ready or not ready, I told him as the waiter appeared to take our order and then discreetly moved on. You spend far too much time in my mind and maybe not enough in your own.
- Okay. Don't worry. I won't ever try to anticipate your feelings or thoughts again.
- Ah, Petulance, I replied. At last you're acting your age.
- His eyes flashed. I sipped my wine. He'd already finished another glass.
- I deserve respect, too, he said. I'm not a child. What was this afternoon, Kay? Social work? Charity? Sex education? Foster care?
- Maybe we shouldn't talk about this here, I suggested.
- Or maybe you just used me, he went on.
- I'm too old for you. Please lower your voice.
- Old is my mother, my aunt. The deaf widow who lives next door to me is old.
- I realized I had no idea where Talley lived. I didn't even have his home telephone number.
- Old is the way you act when you're overbearing and condescending and a chicken, he said, raising his glass to me.
- A chicken? I've been called a lot of things, but never a chicken.
- You're an emotional chicken. He drank as if trying to put out a fire. That's why you were with him. He was safe. I don't care how much you say you loved him. He was safe.
- Don't talk about something you know nothing about, I warned him as I began to tremble.
- Because you're afraid. You've been afraid ever since your father died, ever since you felt different from everyone because you are different from everyone and that's the price people like us pay. We're special. We're alone and we rarely think it's because we're special. We just think there's something wrong with us.
- I placed my napkin on top of the table and pushed back my chair.
- That's the problem with you intelligence-gathering assholes, I said in a low, clam voice. You appropriate the secrets, the treasures and tragedies and ecstasies of someone as if they are your own. At least I have a life. At least I don't live voyeuristically through people I don't know. At least I'm not some kind of spy.
- I'm not a spy. he said. It was my job to find out as much as I could about you.
- And you did your job extraordinarily well, I said, stung. Especially this afternoon.
- Please don't leave, he quietly said as he reached across the table for my hand.
- I pulled away from him. I walked out of the restaurant as other diners stared. Someone laughed and made a comment I didn't need to translate to understand. It was obvious that the handsome young man and his older lady friend were having a lover's spat. Or maybe he was her gigolo.
People who shut their eyes to reality simply invite their own destruction, and anyone who insists on remaining I a state of innocence long after that innocence is dead turns himself into a monster.
--James Baldwin