TRYING TO CATCH YOUR LOVE, IS LIKE CATCHING STARS BABY! THE PRINCESS & THE FROG FAIRY TALE SEEMS LIKE THE ORDER OF THE DAY: (1) I WROTE ABOUT A CARTOON, BY KIRK, SHOWING A PRINCESS, HOLDING A FROG ON A ROYAL PILLOW, WITH A CROWN AND A "T" FOR TRUMP, AND A CAPTION THAT SAYS: KISS HIM AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT, HE WILL NEVER TURN INTO A PRINCE: LOL; (2) THEN I WROTE THIS WEEK ABOUT PRINCE HARRY WANTING TO COME LIVE IN AMERICA FOR THE SUMMER, HOPING TO HAVE FUN AND MEET A LAID BACK AMERICAN GIRL, WHO HE MIGHT WANT TO MARRY; AND TO CARRY THAT THEME FORWARD, THIS MORNING AFTER "TRAMP CAMPING" IT FOR THE NIGHT, I WENT TO THE POVERELLO CENTER FOR THE HOMELESS TO EAT BREAKFAST AND TAKE A NICE WARM SHOWER . . . OUT OF THE TWO HUNDRED FOR SO, DONATED TOWELS, THE DESK CLERK, HANDED ME A TOWEL, THAT HAD A HAPPY FROG WITH A BIG SMILE, SITTING ON A LILLY PAD . . . HE MAY NOT BE ROYAL, BUT YOU DO HAVE A FROG OUT THERE WHO LIKES YOU! LOL! FROGS HAVE LONG BEEN IN MY PERSONAL FOLKLORE OF BIZARRE LOVE CONNECTIONS . . . BEFORE ME AND MY 2ND HUSBAND WERE MARRIED, AND I WAS ALSO DATING ANOTHER GUY, WHO TOOK ME HIKING, AND WE HEARD TONS OF FROGS WHICH I LOVE, BUT I COULD NEVER SEE ONE THAT TIME IN THE MOUNTAINS, SO I TOLD MY OTHER GUY, THAT I WAS GOING TO MARRY THE GUY WHO COULD FIND ME A FROG! LOL! I AM A BIT BIZARRE TOO! TO SAY THE LEAST, BUT FROGS HAVE FUN CONNECTIONS FOR ME, HAVING GONE TO GIRL'S CAMP IN THE UINTAH MOUNTAINS, EVERY YEAR FOR 6 YEARS, HIKING LUSH GREEN MEADOWS, RIVERS, OVER LOGS, AND COMING ONTO HIGH COUNTRY PONDS WITH TONS OF FROGS! ALL THE WAY UP TO CAMP, I WOULD LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL MOUNTAIN SCENERY, AND DREAM OF HAVING A PICNIC BY ONE OF THE MEANDERING STREAMS, LAYING ON A BLANKET, MID-EVIL DRESS, FEEDING EACH OTHER GRAPES, LAUGHING, TALKING AND KISSING IN THE WARMTH OF THE LANDSCAPE AND SUNSHINE, WHILE THE REST OF THE GIRLS ON THE BUS WERE SINGING 100 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL! BLAH! BUT, I FOUND IT INTERESTING TIMING ON THE CUTE, SILK FROG ON MY TOWEL THIS MORNING, BECAUSE I HAD WRITTEN ABOUT "LEAGUES OF ANGELS, THAT I NEEDED A HERO" NOT REALLY THINKING OF A PRINCE, BUT, JUST SOMEONE WHO COULD NOT NECESSARILY RESCUE ME, AS MUCH AS, FUCKING BELIEVE ME AND ALL THE SHIT THAT I GO THROUGH, TO JUST LISTEN AND SAY, I GET IT, OR I CAN SEE . . . THE LAST GUY WHO DID THAT, ENDED UP DEAD, BUT HE WAS AN AMERICAN PRINCE, COWBOY, MARINE, BIKER, WHO GAVE HIS LIFE, TO GET ME TO THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT! I REMEMBER MEETING HIM, TELLING HIM ABOUT BEING POISONED WITH POISONOUS AFRICAN TREE FROG GUM . . . REMEMBER THE POISONOUS DARTS, THAT PYGAMMYS IN AFRICA USED TO SHOOT INTO THE NECKS OF MEN AND WOMEN, IN THE AMAZON, OUT ON JUNGLE EXPEDITIONS IN THE OLD TARZAN SHOWS . . . YEAH THAT SHIT . . . BUT MY CLIENT HAD BEEN I CORP MARINE OR INTELLIGENCE IN VIETNAM, AND HE SAID THE SECOND I TOLD HIM ABOUT THE FROG GUM HE BELIEVED EVERYTHING I TOLD HIM, BECAUSE THE MARINES AND INTELLIGENCE HAD USED THE GUM ON THE VIET KONG DURING THE WAR, AND THEY PUT IT ON THE STEERING WHEELS OF THEIR JEEPS, LIKE SOMEONE PUT ON THE STEERING WHEEL OF MY CAR! JUST THAT, AND FEELING UNDERSTOOD, IN THIS CLOAK AND DAGGER WORLD I LIVE IN, THAT IS SO RARE AND FOREIGN TO MOST PEOPLE WHO JUST CAN'T RELATE TO THIS SHIT, THAT HE DEFINITELY BECAME NOT ONLY MY HERO BUT MY ANGEL AND MY PRINCE! HE WAS ONE OF KIND, WHO BLED RED, WHITE AND BLUE, WAS TRUE TO HIS OATHS, AND DIED IN ACTION, DEFENDING THE WOMAN HE LOVED . . . WHEN JAMES ANGEL KENNEDY, WALKED THROUGH THE DOORS OF THE BUTTE RESCUE MISSION, HE REMINDED ME, OF THIS HERO, THIS MAN WHO ACTUALLY ENDED UP GETTING HIS WISH AS A MARINE, TO NOT BE TRAINED AS A KILLING MACHINE, BUT STUCK IN AN OFFICE AS INTELLIGENCE, WHEN HE WAS SENDING ENCRYPTED MESSAGES INTO THE BATTLEFIELD, KNOWING THAT THESE ORDERS WERE THE DEATH SENTENCE TO SOME OF HIS FELLOW MARINES AND OTHER SOLDIERS. THIS SAME MARINE, TURNED BIKER, WANTED TO GET SOME OF HIS FRIENDS, WHO ALSO SERVED IN THE MILITARY TO DO RECON ON MY HOUSE, IN ST. GEORGE, WHEN THEY WERE TRYING TO TAKE MY HOUSE! I WASN'T SURE WHAT THAT WAS BACK THEN, BUT I KNOW NOW! I CAN JUST SEE HIM, SNEAKING AROUND, IN CAMAFLAUGE, FACE PAINTED GREEN AND BLACK, SCOUTING OUT THE SITUATION FOR ME! LOL! SO, EVEN BEFORE, KENNEDY TOLD ME HIS NAME, A NAME CONNECTED WITH AMERICAN PRINCES, CAMELOT, AND THE KENNEDY CLAN, HE HAD STATUS WITH ME, JUST IN AND OF THE FACT, HE REMINDED ME OF THE COWBOY, MARINE AND BIKER, THAT I MOURNED HIS MURDER FOR 7 MONTHS, ALMOST BLOWING MY SUPREME COURT CASE! GENERALLY IN THE MORNING, I BOOK IT OUT OF THE POV OR MY TRAMP CAMP, A TERM I GOT FROM KENNEDY, GO SOMEWHERE TO WRITE MY BLOG, BUT, LIKE LAST SUNDAY, I STOPPED AT THE BUS SHELTER, ACROSS THE STREET, AND BASKED IN THE SUNSHINE, RELAXED FROM A CLEANSING SHOWER, JUST KICKING BACK, WATCHING THE BRILLIANT SUN STARTING TO WARM UP THE EARLY MORNING COLD, UNTIL THE I DRIFTED INTO A RESTFUL SLEEP APPROPRIATE FOR THIS DAY OF REST, SUNDAY. AFTER SO GUY CAME AN INTERRUPTED MY PERFECT SUNDAY MORNING, SAT BY IN THE BUS SHELTER, I DECIDED TO CONTINUE MY JOURNEY TO MCDONALD'S, NEEDING A DIET COKE, LIKE A HORSE NEEDS WATER! I HEADED TO THE WATERING HOLE, BUT FOR SOME REASON, I HIT UP THE CLOSEST WATERING HOLE, THE ZIP TRIP, FOR DIET COKE, TWINKIES AND KETTLE HONEY DEJON CHIPS . . . THEN WENT TO THE DANCE STUDIO, BEHIND THE GAS STATION, TO SIT AND AGAIN, ENJOY SOME PEACE AND QUIET . . . UNTIL SOME ASSHOLE, BROKE THE SILENCE OF THE MORNING, AND IN 200 PARKING PLACES AROUND THE STATION, CREEPED OVER TOWARD ME, AND POINTED HIS HEADLIGHTS FROM HIS TRUCK, RIGHT AT ME! SCREAMMMMM! WHAT THE FUCK . . . IF I WANTED COMPANY, I WOULD BE CLOSER TO THE BUILDING! I RAISED MY ARMS IN THE AIR, LIKE WHAT IS UP WITH THIS INTRUSION? HE WAS EITHER CLUELESS OR A HIT MAN! LOL! DUMB ASS! EVENTUALLY, MY FRIEND, PATRICIA CAME AND I WAVED HER DOWN, AS SOMEONE, I ACTUALLY ENJOY TALKING TO, ONE OF THE FEW! LOL, ELITIST SNOB THAT I AM! BUT, I TOLD HER ABOUT THE FUNNY FROG ON MY TOWEL, WANTING LEAGUES OF ANGELS, MY FUCKED UP CELL PHONE, SHE ALSO TRIED TO FIX, BUT REMAINING, IN "UNREGISTERED SIM" CARD STATUS . . . BUT, SHE HAS A NEW GUY SHE LIKES, POV LOVE! LOL! THAT STARTED THE 4 HOUR MARATHON OF GIRLS TALKING ABOUT BOYS! ENDING WITH KENNEDY AND STRANGE SHIT, THAT HAPPENED WITH HIM, EVEN CONNECTING HIM TO THE FROG ON MY TOWEL! LOL! THERE IS PSYCHIC CONNECTION, THAT HAS CREATED SOME UNEXPLAINED THINGS, FROM BOAT SHOES, OR BOOTS SHOWING UP TWICE, IN VERY OBVIOUS PLACES THAT I WOULD WALK, THEN GOOGLE, HAD MEN'S SHOES ON THEIR DAILY ART SEARCH ENGINE DESIGNS, RIGHT AFTER I TOLD MY FRIEND ABOUT THE DURANGO BOOTS, AND THE MARTHA'S VINEYARD, OR HYANISPORT BOAT SHOES THAT NOBODY IN MONTANA WEARS FOR SURE! THREE RINGS, STRANGE LOVE BOOKS, KNOCKS UNDER THE BED, NEW VIDEOS ON "BAD TIME TO FALL IN LOVE" --GRAND FUNK RAILROAD. OH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU OF SOME OF THE FUN, CRAZY, INTERESTING, SEEMINGLY PSYCHIC PHENOMENA, CONNECT TO ME AND THE GUYS, I HAVE LIKED OVER THE YEARS. BACK TO THE MOUNTAIN FROGS AND SAYING I WOULD MARRY THE MAN WHO CAUGHT ME A FROG . . . THE HERCULEAN CHALLENGE? LOL! TEST OF THEIR LOVE FOR ME? LOL! CERTAINLY NOT THE MATERIAL GIRL! LOL! I AM THE MOUNTAIN GIRL, LOVE MY MOUNTAIN MEN! LOL! BUT, ONE DAY AFTER CHURCH, MY BOYFRIEND AT THE TIME WAS OUT IN THE GARDEN WHILE I WAS IN THE HOUSE, EITHER ON THE PHONE OR CHANGING MY CLOTHES TO JOIN HIM IN THE GARDEN WE HAD PLANTED TOGETHER . . . ALL OF THE SUDDEN HE CAME UP, AND TOLD ME TO SHUT MY EYES, AND OPEN MY HAND. I DID, AND HE PLACED THIS SLIMMY, COLD, CLAMMY THING IN MY HAND, AND I SCREAMED AND THREW IT ACROSS THE ROOM, AND THE OBJECT, I COULD NOT HAVE GUESSED, HIT THE WINDOW! SPLAT! SCREAM! WHAT WAS THAT . . . A LITTLE FROG, FLORESCENT GREEN WITH A PINK BELLY! OH, WHERE DID YOU FIND IT? THAT IS NOT INDIGENOUS TO UTAH? HE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM, BUT IT WAS THERE, AND GIVEN MY REQUEST FOR THE ACT OF VALOR FROM MY FUTURE PRINCE, WE WERE BOTH, KIND OF SHOCKED! TO SAY THE LEAST . . . I FIGURED HE SET ME UP ON THAT ONE, SO I DIDN'T MARRY HIM, AT LEAST FOR AWHILE! LOL! GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS. BUT IT WAS A FUN WEEK, FILLED WITH FROGS, PRINCES, FROLIC AND FUN . . . TALES OF LOVERS PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE! HANDSOME DEVILS! THE OTHER DAY, WHILE I WAS LOOKING FOR NEW WEB SITES, TO TRY TO FOOL THE NSA, SO THEY DON'T STEAL MY BLOG, USING SITES THAT ARE STRANGE OR DIFFERENT, I JUST HAPPENED TO SEE, "BRIDES" MAGAZINE, AND SO I TOOK A LUCKY SHOT AT "BRIDE.COM" TO SEE IF IT WAS A SITE, AND IT WAS HUGE ASS HITS, SO I TYPED IN "BRIDESMAIDS.COM" AND IT ALSO HAD HUGE ASS NUMBERS, IN THE MILLIONS IN JUST SECONDS . . . I KIND OF FREAKED OUT, HOPING THAT YOUNG BRIDES OR FUTURE BRIDES WERE NOT GETTING THEIR PREMARITAL ADVICE FROM ME! THE CHICK WHO BELIEVES IN MAGIC, LOVE, ROMANCE, FROG AND PRINCES! LOL! PLUS I DON'T HAVE THE BEST TRACK RECORD WITH 4 HUSBANDS! LOL! THEY SAY THOSE THAT CAN'T DO, TEACH! THAT WOULD BE TRUE IN MY CASE, BUT I HAVE LEARNED MORE FROM MY MISTAKES THAN MY SUCCESSES, IF THERE ARE SUCCESSES? LOL! I DO BELIEVE IN LOVE, STILL DO, AND MAYBE, MY FANTASIES OF PRINCES, FROGS, MOUNTAINS STREAMS, PICNICS, LAUGHING AND FEEDING EACH OTHER GRAPES AND BASKING IN THE DELIGHTS OF MOUNTAIN GRANDEUR AND LOVE, REACHING HEIGHTS, BREADTHS, EMOTIONS, THAT ARE SO PURE, SO TRUE, SO AMAZING, THAT, NOTHING COMPARES AND THE MEMORIES LAST FOREVER, MAYBE MORE REAL THAT REALITY, WITH NEW LOVERS . . . ONCE I HAD THIS DREAM, ACTUALLY TWO DREAMS, THAT HAD A HANDSOME, BRAVE, GORGEOUS, HALF BREED, MUSCULAR, ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, GALLANT AND MANLY . . . BEFORE THIS HUNK DIED, HE HIT ON ME, WE KIND OF DANCED AROUND EACH OTHER, BECAUSE, I WAS TRYING TO BE FAITHFUL TO THIS ATTORNEY IN LAS VEGAS, A HEART THROB, WHO DANCED WAY WITH MY HEART, WHILE I WAS MARRIED, OF ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS, SOMETHING I WOULD NOT WISH ON ANYONE . . . WE CAN'T CHOOSE WHO OUR HEARTS LONG FOR, BUT WE CAN CONTROL WHAT WE DO WITH THOSE EMOTIONS, AND AT THE TIME, MARRIED WITH FOUR CHILDREN, I FOUGHT THE FEELINGS FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS, NEVER ACTED ON THE EMOTIONS, UNTIL I FELT LIKE A FRAUD, CAUSING ME INTERNAL STRIFE AND CONCERN, MAKING LOVE TO ONE GUY, THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN, AND BEING IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER MAN! I WOULD NOT WISH THAT ON MY WORST ENEMY, BUT, THE MORE I RESISTED THE EMOTIONS, THE WORST THEY GOT! I NEVER FELL, BUT THE RESULTS WERE THE SAME, WHETHER, I DID ANYTHING WITH HIM OR NOT, SIDE BAR, BUT, THAT IS THE REASON, I DIDN'T DATE THIS GOOD LOOKING AMAZING GUY, WHO ENDED UP, DYING INT A MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT, ALMOST DESTROYING ME . . . BUT AFTER HE WAS DEAD, I HAD TWO DREAMS THAT, HAVE BEEN GUIDING LIGHTS, FOR SOME REASON, BUT AS I AGE, PERHAPS, I OUGHT TO ABANDON, BUT IN THE FIRST DREAM: (1) I WAS SITTING WITH AL IN THE HOSPITAL, AND HIS HEAD WAS BANDAGED BUT HE WAS FINE--THIS DREAM HAPPENED AFTER, HE WAS DEAD . . . BUT, I DECIDED AGAINST GOING TO HIS FUNERAL, AS APPROACHED THE FUNERAL HOME, WITH THE SCRIPTURE OF WHAT CHRIST SAID, "LET THE DEAD BURY THE DEAD" ON MY MIND, AND UNFAMILIAR WITH DEATH, I LEFT . . . BIG MISTAKE, BECAUSE, YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH DEATH, NOT AVOID IT OR DENY IT, LIKE I DID. BUT IN THE FIRST PLACE, I WAS SITTING BETWEEN TWO OF AL'S BEST FRIENDS, WHEN THE BISHOP ANNOUNCED OR TO ME IT WAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT, HE TOLD OF AL'S DEATH AND THANKED EVERYONE WHO HELPED WITH HIS ACCIDENT AND DEALING WITH FAMILY MEMBERS, BEING A STUDENT WARD AT BYU. I REMEMBER, THE SHOCK, DENIAL, AND ABSOLUTE, DISBELIEF, THAT THE GUY, SO PROTECTIVE, SO HANDSOME, SO COOL, WAS ACTUALLY DEAD? JUST A FEW WEEKS BEFORE THAT, WE HAD PLAYED VOLLEYBALL WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE, AND AS WE WALKED INTO A CONVENIENT STORE, TWO GUYS WERE CHECKING ME OUT, AND TO MY SURPRISE, AL PICKED BOTH OF THEM, UP BY THE NECKS, AND THREATENED THEM IF THEY EVER LOOKED AT ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, HE WOULD KILL THEM, OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT. WE HAD JUST DANCED TOGETHER, SHORTLY AFTER THAT AT A CLUB HE WAS A BOUNCER AT, AND WE FLIRTED A BIT, BUT NOTHING MORE, OTHER THAN HE IMPRESSED ME, WHEN HE SAT BY ME IN CHURCH, AND INFERRED THAT HE WANTED TO TAKE ME OUT, AND IT TOLD HIM, I WAS DIVORCED AND HAD 4 KIDS . . . THIS "REAL" MAN, SAID, I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE 10 KIDS, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. SO THAT IS THE SETTING FOR THE TWO DREAMS. DREAMSCAPE: (1) SO WE ARE IN THIS HOSPITAL HOLDING HANDS, AND I SAID, AL ARE YOU OKAY? I HAD BEEN ASKING EVERYONE, DID YOU KNOW AL IS DEAD? WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE TO WORK WITH HIM AND THEN HE WAS GONE? OR I SAW AL'S TRUCK OR ONE LIKE IT, SO STRANGE TO HAVE HIM DEAD. THEN, MY EX-HUSBAND AND FRIEND, SAID, JO . . . DO YOU KNOW AL IS DEAD? THE DREAM WOULD INDICATE THAT I, IN FACT, KNEW, BUT WAS NOT DEALING WITH HIS DEATH WELL. AND IN THE DREAM, AL MORE CONCERNED FOR ME, SAID, "ARE YOU OKAY?" ALMOST SAYING, I KNOW I AM DEAD, IT IS YOU WHO IS NOT DOING WELL WITH MY DEATH, AND ARE YOU OKAY? THAT SECOND, I STARTED TO CRY UNCONTROLLABLY, GOT ON MY BIKE, AND JUST ROAD AND ROAD, CRYING HYSTERICALLY, NOT EVEN PLAYING ATTENTION WHERE I WAS GOING, UNTIL I CAME TO A PARK, WHERE I TOOK SOME PAPER OUT OF MY POCKET AND PENNED A LETTER TO HIS BEST FRIENDS THAT I WAS SITTING BETWEEN WHEN I FIRST HEARD OF THE DEATH . . . I WROTE THAT THEY WERE THE CLOSEST THING I COULD GET TO AL, AND I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS MY SORROW, SO, I JUST WROTE THIS LETTER, AND SOMEHOW, WITH THEM READING IT, I WAS CRAZY ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT THROUGH "QUANTUM PHYSICS" OR SOME CHANNELING, AL COULD GET MY REGRET FOR NOT GOING TO HIS FUNERAL, OR TELLING HIS FRIENDS, WOULD DO SOMETHING, STILL BAWLING MY EYES OUT, WHEN I DELIVERED THE LETTER! I AM SURE THEY THOUGHT, I WAS INSANE, AND MAYBE I WAS, BUT I BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE, AND THAT WE CAN HAVE COMMUNICATIONS WITH THE DEAD, AS IN THE CASES OF GHOSTS, SPIRITS, AND JUST FEELINGS. (2) IN THE SECOND DREAM, AL AND I WERE UP IN THE MOUNTAINS, ON A SUNNY, BEAUTIFUL MORNING, I THINK, THE SCENE WAS VIVIAN PARK, OUTSIDE OF PROVO, UTAH, WITH A CRAGGY MOUNTAIN, ISLAND OR PART OF THE LAND THAT JUTS OUT INTO A BEAUTIFUL LAKE, AND THE ROCK DOES SO IN A DRAMATIC NATURE . . . BUT WE ARE BOTH STANDING ON THIS BRIDGE, OVER THE WATER. I DECIDED, THAT SINCE AL WAS DEAD, ALTHOUGH HE WAS STANDING MY ME, AS HANDSOME IN DEATH AS IN LIFE, I FIGURED THAT, I COULD ASK HIM SOME QUESTIONS, SO, SINCE HE HAD BEEN TO HEAVEN, HE WOULD KNOW . . . SO, DOES "TRUE LOVE" EXIST? AND RIGHT AS I SAID THAT, THIS MAGNIFICENT UNICORN, SHINY AND GLISTENING, RISES MAJESTICALLY, OUT OF THE WATER, GOING IN A HALF CIRCLE, AND AS IT RISES AND FALLS BACK INTO THE WATER, GRACEFULLY, A MALE UNICORN, RISES, GOING AROUND IN A CIRCLE . . . AND AL, ANSWERED ME, SAYING, YES, REFERRING TO "TRUE LOVE," DOES EXIST, AND IT IS WORTH WAITING FOR. THEN THE DREAM WAS OVER. I STILL BELIEVE THAT . . . EACH RELATIONSHIPS, TAKES ME ONE STEP CLOSER, TO THOSE FEELINGS, AND I AM 61, BUT FEEL 35 YEARS OLD, I CAN SAY, THAT I HAVE COME CLOSE, BUT, I AM NOT SURE, THAT, I AM THERE YET. PERHAPS, IT IS MORE A PROCESS, WITHIN MYSELF, THAT, IS ALL ABOUT ME, PERSONAL GROWTH, AND WHEN I AM READY, IT WILL HAPPEN? RELATIONSHIPS ARE MORE ABOUT US, MIRRORS, PROJECTIONS, LEARNING, PERSONAL PERFECTION AND GROWTH . . . MARRIAGE IS THE SAFEST WAY TO TEST, EXPERIMENT AND GROW . . . I BELIEVE YOU CAN OUTGROW A PARTNER, OR THEY CAN BE TOO HEALTHY FOR YOU! LOL! YOU CAN ONLY LOVE SOMEONE AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF. MAYBE IT IS A PROCESS OF LEARNING TO LOVE OURSELVES? SO WHAT WORKED WHEN WE WERE 20 DOESN'T WORK IN OUR 50'S, OR MAYBE YOU GET LUCKY, AND FIND A MATE THAT IS FULLY ACTUALIZED, LOVES THEMSELVES, THEREFORE, THEY CAN LOVE YOU AND VISA VERSA? I AM STILL JUST FIGURING IT OUT! I KNOW THE SCRIPTURES, STATE, IN EPHESIANS, THAT A MAN WHO HATES HIS WIFE, HATES HIMSELF. THAT COINCIDES WITH MY THEORY, BUT, I BELIEVE, THAT YOU CAN ALSO, THROUGH LOVE, REACH A POINT WHEN NO MORE GROWTH IS GOING TO TAKE PLACE, AND WHILE YOU LOVE THIS PERSON, YOU, YOURSELF, STARTS TO DIE IN THE RELATIONSHIP, AND FOR WHATEVER YOU WERE BROUGHT TOGETHER, HAS BEEN FULFILLED, AND FOR FURTHER GROWTH, YOU NEED TO MOVE ON, TO A NEW CHALLENGED OR NEW PART OF DEVELOPMENT. THIS IS NOT TO BE AN EXCUSE, BUT A REVELATION, KNOWING THAT, CHILDREN, CAN FEEL, CHANGED IN THEIR PARENTS RELATIONSHIPS, AND MAY, AS MY SON, ELLIOT DID AT AGE 5, ASK ME AND HIS DAD, IF WE WERE GETTING A DIVORCE . . . NO, HONEY, WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? NOT 10 MINUTES LATER, WE GOT INTO A DISCUSSION THAT LED TO OUR DIVORCE! AFTER TELLING OUR KIDS WE WERE GETTING A DIVORCE, CHRIS, ONLY ABOUT 8 AT THE TIME, BEING RAISED IN A VERY MODEST FAMILY, CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND A BATH, AND RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS SISTERS AND THE REST OF THE FAMILY, ALMOST IN AN ACT OF FREEDOM AND JOY . . . THREW OFF HIS TOWEL AND HE WAS BUTT ASS NAKED AND LAUGHING! LOL! ALTHOUGH, A DIVORCE IS TRAGIC, IT MAY ALSO BE FREEDOM AND THE HEALTHY THING TO DO? THE SONG . . . MAYBE SOMEDAY, BABY, WE'LL FIGURE ALL THIS OUT, SOMETIME WE MAY BE BETTER OF, MAYBE SOMEDAY WE'LL PUT AN END TO ALL OUR DOUBT . . . SOMEDAY WE'LL LIVE OUR LIVES OUT LOUD, AND BE BETTER OFF SOMEHOW? SOMEDAY WE CAN START ALL OVER AND LEARN HOW GOOD THINGS CAN GET? NICE SONG, NICE TIMING. I HAD A THIRD DREAM JUST THE OTHER DAY . . .

Dream, Two Nights Ago?

I tend to be very loyal, even to men, I just like, never kissed, never even touched, creating something out of nothing, but, with hope and enough to make me think of possibilities.  So, I like two, men, who have occupied my heart and mind, off and on, for, one three years and the other, Kennedy, for a year and a half . . . so this dream, was totally out of the dark and left me wondering, what the fuck was going on?  Was there a message, something I needed to learn, some growth, a time filler?  Anyway, last fall, this tall, dark, handsome, stranger from California, tripped through the Poverello, probably the only place, someone could, get my attention, but, even there, I discount, any attraction, generally, wondering if they are an undercover cop, or a fed, or an assassin, or bounty hunter, making me, take a strange and stand-offish, position, toward them, and even if they were just a normal guy, that suspicion is always, in the back of my mind.  So, this guy, who, is actually, very attractive, cute, fun to talk to, and just an over all cool guy, started to come to McDonald's, getting on his computer, at the same time, I did, in the mornings.  Eventually, we struck up a conversation, seeing each other around the Pov. or town.  He, was a stand-out, different, dressed better, not your average run of the mill, homeless guy, and after meeting him, talking to him, hitting it off, conversation wise and just, like friends . . . one day, he said, after working and banking his paycheck . . . I just feel like getting a hotel room with some chick, and fucking her brains out.

I started looking around for some girl, who, he might do this with, crossing myself, automatically, off his list of suspects . . . and, I looked in the kitchen and there was, this staff chick, I thought, might be more age appropriate for him, seeing, he is not, over late 20's or early 30's, and I would be shocked at that, if he were, knowing that guys often think I am, much longer than I actually am, and seeing someone like him, is like sleeping with my sons, even though attracted to him, those thoughts, vanish, and I would kill some woman, my age, for hitting on my two handsome, but young sons, so, I don't do anything, I wouldn't want someone to do to me, and so, I just kind of blow off  his conversation.  After that, we talked, always, say hi, sometimes, check on each other's status, or work, or just make small talk, but not much, after that initial day. Although, he told me of some, to me, sick, sex craze, that I was just disgusted at . . . different generations, and I kind of trashed, his connection with or knowledge of whatever it was, I must have washed that shit right out of my mind!  LOL!  I am pretty prudish!  My kids even laugh about, funny episodes from their youth, when, this or that happened, and they were more adult than their mother!  LOL!  The gap may have furthered, more by now.  This guy, generally has a job, and he is up early and so am I, we sometimes talk, but really nothing, for a very long time . . . making the dream even more troubling and puzzling for me?

Where the Hell Did this Dream Come From?

As I have said, dreams are warnings, instructional, informational, insightful, and give us insights to our psyche's, and I have always paid attention to them, as I have written and will often, when I have one that sticks, write about it, generally with some, idea of what, the dream, might represent, what even God, might be telling me through this dream.  Now, I will admit, that a week or so ago, and I have been gone from the Pov, so my contact is limited, but I think his is too . . . plus he was saving money, so he could do this or that, and maybe go back to California, but the last time I saw him, he walked by, and he has always struck me, as handsome, interesting and cool, just doing his thing, figuring life out, and saving money, which is great.  But, as he walked passed, I thought, too bad he is so young, because he is hot and a stud, and seems to have his shit together for a younger guy, which always, leads me back, to, is he undercover?  He is the perfect type. But, that happened, probably, weeks ago, so?  The dream was simple, no big deal, other than, the context and him, just being in the dream?  I puzzled over this for an entire day?  I wrestle with dreams, especially, stuff like this, when, it is so out of the blue, that, I can't figure out what the hell, or where the hell this would come from?  Song, when love puts you through the fire, when it puts you through the test, nothing, does it like time, love and tenderness.

The dream, was low keyed, simple, real time, and so ordinary, but so, weird.  In the dream, I don't even know his name, nor do I ever think I asked him what it was . . . again, strange.  But, we are in the dining area of the Poverello, and he often, worked behind the counter, helping in the kitchen, which is cool, because, you work long hours, and most people, don't want to work there, and he seemed to be always, volunteering, even on top of his normal chore, and unlike me and others, who want to avoid the work, case in point, I love sleeping out, because, I don't have to check in, come in early, all about freedom for me, and I like to sleep in overflow, so I don't have to get a bed, which, means you have to have a chore!  LOL!  I have always done my jobs or chores, but given a choice, I would prefer to ditch out!  LOL!  So, here is this guy, gorgeous, sometimes works, all day, leaving at the early morning hours, and he is always, doing extra stuff?  What the hell for?  LOL!  But, I used to joke with him, tease him about serving or doing the dishes, or taking out the garbage . . . I have convinced myself, that he deserves better than me!  LOL!  So, in the dream, it was simple, I remember, seeing him, walk by me, and the thought, came to my mind, Why not?  Slow response to him, wanting, to go to the hotel and fuck, someone's brains out!  LOL!  I'm not getting younger, and going with some guy, I know, will never develop into anything, has proven to be, the best thing in the world for my self esteem, sexually, because, there are no, emotional expectations, and I know, nothing will happen, and there is not risk, just, a base attraction, maybe sex, maybe not, and at this point, I am a great deal for some young stud, in a holding pattern, like I am . . . committed to nothing and nobody, so WHY NOT?

IN TRUE JUNIOR HIGH FASHION, MY EMOTIONAL LEVEL . . .

God, does have a sense of humor, I just typed "IN" and, it didn't end up where I wanted it to be, but, the cursor, jumped up to the words, out "IN" of the blue!  LOL!  This dude, reads my blog, sometimes, and it is as if, he is saying, I am IN!  LOL!  I have a lot of younger guys, hit on me, and I shut them down, ASAP, and maybe, God is saying, look, there is difference between just having sex, and having sex with love, even if it is not going to go anywhere, in the long run.  I found this to be true with my two black, lovers, the most healthy sex, I have had, and I would say, I would put this in the same category.  I figured, that nothing would come of the relationships, and I was just curious, interested, relaxed, and encouraged them to get married and have kids, but enjoyed their sex and their company, in the mean time!  That may be racist, but, hey, I am from Utah, had never really been around, blacks much, met both of them, within three days, and loved the hell out of both of them!  LOL!  I was completely honest with them, just like I would with this guy, seeing, nothing in the future, but, I could see, living with him, getting an apartment, getting to know each other, aside from sex, and having someone, I like, think is good looking, and if sex, happens, who is complaining!  LOL!  Sure as hell not me!  With both of the black dudes, neither had been married, nor had kids, and I was 19 years older than the one I fucked the most!  LOL.  Howard, didn't like the fact that I was seeing both of them, but, totally honest and in the open, about, whatever they wanted to know, strongly encouraging them, but loving them too.  Howard, was more, like, the type of husband, I want, than any guy I had ever been with!  LOL!  But he was way sensitive.  Both from good families, professional, fun, and something any girl would want!

I found the sex to be mutually, beneficial, and would not have done it, if I felt that it hurt anyone, and there was definitely love involved.  Miles could not have got me to Spokane or Seattle, on my own dime, just to have sex, but he always needed help on, this or that legal issue, and the sex, just seemed, part of it, for some reason, and we could not get down to business, without, first getting that minor detail in our relationship, the mutual attraction for each other out of the way, first!  Both, Miles and Howard, wanted to live with me.  I could not see the point.  But, with this other guy, it is hard to get together, first and last months rent, plus a deposit together, and many people at the Pov. team up, and help each other, get their shit together, and live together . . . I think it would be fun!  I would much rather have a male roommie, than a female!  That seems more normal to me . . . years of marriage, shared bathrooms, and if nothing happens, well, that is okay, and if it does, so be it.  I remember, one time after talking to Miles, that his sex cleansed me, for some reason, and I didn't feel like I was breaking God's commandments, in fact the opposite, because, I know scriptures, that say, all things are pure to me, it is you clowns, who assign cleanliness or uncleanliness to whatever!  Romans: 14:14.  Miles and I would go months, and not talk, and then, out of the blue, one of us, would get a hold of the other, totally, missing each other, horny, just loving talking to each other, was sexual, and turned us on.

No fail, one of us, would even put sex in the terms of, I need some sexual healing!  And we both meant it . . . it was healthy, loving, good, kind, loving, and generous.  The two great commandments are, to love God, and to love your fellow man, so I did, took that one to heart, love them all!  LOL!  No, seriously, I knew he loved me, and I think, he would say, I loved him . . . it was just a different kind of love, different kind of sex, and there was nothing selfish about it, is was like, just part of the relationship.  Eventually, Miles took my advice and got a girl who also wanted a baby and he called me and said, we are co-parenting, and we are pregnant.  He thought he could carrying on a relationship with me?  NO, the mother of your baby, needs you, baby comes first, then the needs of the mommy, then daddy, and I am out of the picture.  The baby will be, actually, two years old, I think, in September . . . and, Miles, was so excited the last time I talked to him, they had picked out the name, and I am sure he will not regret that decision and the trade off, ever.  Mommy is sick and has some, terminal, ghastly disease, and he will likely raise the child alone, but, during that time, I kept seeing this ad, with a black dad, with a young son on his shoulders, smiling, ear to ear, happy as a clam.  Miles has a 168 I.Q. and I told him, the imbeciles should not have kids, but the smart people need to bless the earth with children!  Howard, showed up in Kalispell, I believe, either last summer, wanting to take me to dinner or a movie, but I was busy, taking down the two former attorneys generals of Utah, and typed for 16 hours straight . . . finally, he gave up and left!

The nice thing about men, is that they can have babies, forever . . . Howard was 56 at the time, so, he is probably, 58 or so, now, never too late and he would make a perfect husband and daddy; I thought, it would be selfish, of me, to date him or Miles and deny them the opportunity of having children, or marriage, and that was all done in LOVE!  I would assume, that if I got with this guy, or not, whatever happened, would not be by way of relationship, but, sex would be an expression of love.  I can see that.  For all I know, both guys I like, could be married, and either they will stay with their wives, girlfriends, or, getting with either of them will take some time.  I thought, perhaps, this is something to get me moving in another direction . . . like I said, loyalty, or love for that matter, is something that comes from inside me, and I tend to be faithful, before a relationship even happens, and I hold on, long after, there is no hope . . . and most likely, I have nobody to blame but myself, didn't play my cards right, and time tends to take care of everything, or makes our decisions for us.  Kennedy tried a bunch, and I resisted, because of this or that, was worried about who he was or was not, and guys who are good, generally don't last long, and in modern society, sex, often, seems to be the connector, with guys, and I am old fashioned, and who is to say who is right . . . timing is everything, even God, I felt, told me to act, and I was too hung up on this or that, so I didn't follow the promptings, fucked up, on this or that, wanting to wait, and guys don't tend to do time, no sex well, so, I made the choices and decisions I did, and I may regret them, or I may be glad, down the road.

Like in the dream with my dead friend, Al, the one with the two unicorns, male and female, true love, does exist, and it is WORTH WAITING FOR!  I have even wondered, believing in life after death, that Al himself, dead, but communicating through dreams, that perhaps, given my idealism and romantics, real guys are TOO real for me, and maybe, Al is waiting, or Allan, the cowboy, the Marine, the biker?  Mormons believe that you can be married for eternity, and that is a hell of a long time, so taking my time, doing it RIGHT, is critical to me . . . all I have EVER WANTED, since those early days going to girls camp, is ONE GREAT LOVE!  All the money is bull shit to me, take it, have it, but real love, I will wait forever for one chance, one day, one love . . . I have served God and Man all my life, for one end, to find the LOVE OF MY LIFE!  I am getting old GOD!  LOL!  STILL SINGLE, STILL FREE, AND STILL UNBROKEN!  SMILE!  Maybe to reach personal perfection, I need 5 more partners?  LOL!  I can deal with that, God has been good so far . . . dream boy, is HOT!  Time for a NEW adventure, NEW growth, NEW ideas!

I forgot the last part of the dream . . . in the dream, new young hot lover boy, just kidding, walked by me, and I reached out, and kind of brushed my hand, against his.  And that was the end of the dream?  I may never see him again, or I may, but I will probably be too, weird to do anything!  God will have to talk to him, subliminally, for me, or nothing will get done!  But, I will ask him, about the living situation . . . actually, since I met that pretty female cop, it looks like she told the male cops to back off, that I am exactly, who I say I am, the attorney, the blogger, the lobbyist and bad ass con law chick!  THANKS!!!!!  I had the dream the night I talked to the chick cop, so, thanks for that too!

I need some guy to inspire me to exercise and get in shape . . . just the male presence will help . . . I can get hot too, 6 months! or maybe we can work it off the fun way!  LOL!