Tuesday, July 7, 2015

BOSTON FAMILY--THE DREADED BEAVER; BULL(SHIT) TAMER, STAR POWER . . . LIONS, AND TIGERS, AND BEARS, AH, HA--LIONS AND TIGERS, AND BEARS, OH, YEAH! FROM FAMILY FEUD TV TO GLACIER NATIONAL PARK, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE WORST KIND, ARE REAL, AND NOTHING TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY! DON'T DO A SELFIE, WITH A GRIZZLY BEAR IN THE BACKGROUND, OR TAKE A FAMILY PHOTO, WITH A YELLOWSTONE BUFFALO, BEHIND YOU . . . 4 PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY BEEN GORED AT YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK THIS YEAR, AND THE SEASON IS ONLY HALF WAY OVER OR LESS . . . BEAR SPRAY IS NOT A GAG GIFT, BUT BE SURE YOU GET IT IN THE BEAR'S EYES, NOT YOUR OWN . . . DURANGO BEAR MAULING WHILE I WAS THERE, LESS THAN A MONTH AGO--FRONT COVER OF DURANGO HERALD! I HAVE HAD TWO CLOSE CALLS WITH MOUNTAIN LIONS, ONE ON A COLLISION COURSE WITH ME, THE OTHER ONE, STALKING ME FROM THE CLIFFS ABOVE. THESE ARE NOT KILLER ANIMALS, JUST ANIMALS IN THE WILD, ACTING LIKE ANIMALS IN THE WILD DO. AS MAN AND NATURE COLLIDE MORE AND MORE, PEOPLE NEED TO BE SMART, WATCH THEMSELVES AND THEIR PETS, WHO ALSO GET MAULED, KNARLED ON, AND EATEN BY THESE PREDATORY WILD ANIMALS! AFTER SEEING TWO GRIZZLY BEARS, UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL, BUT OUTSIDE THE TRUCK--THANK GOD, I DECIDED, I WAS NOT HIKING WITHOUT BEAR SPRAY AND A GUN! EVERY TWIG THAT SNAPPED WHILE HIKING, AND EVERY ROCK THAT RESEMBLED A BEAR'S HEAD IN THE WATER FREAKED ME OUT! SOMEONE REMINDED ME THAT THEY HAVE BEEN TREED BY MORE MOOSE, THAN THEY HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED A BEAR OR MOUNTAIN LION! TWO BULL MOOSE, LOCKED RACKS DURING THE RUTTING OR MATING SEASON TWO YEARS AGO, IN WYOMING, AND FOUGT TO THE DEATH, RACKS STILL LOCKED WHEN RANCHER FOUND THEM, ONE DIED WITH A BROKEN JAW BONE, AND THE OTHER A BROKEN NECK! THE RANCHER FOUND THE DEAD MOOSE, WITHIN THE HOUR, AND DONATED 600 POUNDS OF MEAT TO THE LOCAL FOOD BANK . . . THESE ANIMALS ARE BIG, WILD, UNTAMED, AND SCARY! BE SMART, THINK BEFORE YOU START OUT ON A HIKE . . . READ THE LITERATURE THAT THE PARKS, LIKE GLACIER NATIONAL PARK, GAVE ME, THAT I DISCARDED--THEN WISHED I HAD READ IT, WHILE ON A HIKE, FEELING LIKE THERE WERE BEARS, YEAH, IN BEAR COUNTRY, DAH, BECAUSE THE BROCHURES AND HAND OUTS, WILL GIVE YOU THE LATEST AND GREATEST TIPS ON WHAT TO DO, IF YOU DO RUN INTO THE WILD ANIMALS IN THE PARK . . . AS YOU ENTER NATIONAL PARKS, BECAUSE THEY WILL INFORM YOU ON WHAT YOU MIGHT RUN INTO AND HOW TO HANDLE A CLOSE ENCOUNTER OF THE WORST KIND! (INSPIRED BY THE ARTICLE BY THAT NAME, IN THE MISSOULA INDEPENDENT, AN AWESOME PICTURE OF A GRIZZLY ON THE COVER, FUNNY AND INFORMATIVE ARTICLE--READ IT)

The Family From Boston, And the Dreaded Beaver!

Back in the early 80's, when my four children were small, my sister called me up and said, Do you want to be on the TV show, Family Feud?  What?  She went on to tell me that the TV show producers, were having mock practices or interviewing families from the Salt Lake City, Utah area, and she thought it might be fun to go on the program.  Well, me, my sister, Sue, her husband, Kevin, his brother, Rob, and my cousin, Meg, made up the family--a mother of four and college student at the time, a school teacher, a human resource management specialist, or the dude that fires you, when working for large corporations, a male model, and a law student, was the make up of this extended family adventure.  We were selected to fly to Hollywood, and compete with families from all over the country, on the Family Feud Show, during the Richard Dawson Era, of the show.  And yes, I did have to kiss Dawson . . . I thought of every way possible to avoid the mushy, wet, gross kiss, that I had seen other participants have to endure, but he got me, because I was too chicken shit, to make a big deal of the kiss on national TV!

So, we get to Hollywood, movie star, style, courtesy of the show, put up in a nice hotel, $60 per day per diem for food, and a three day, relaxing holiday, all expenses paid . . . all fun and games, until you got on the show.  There were 10 families, who were brought in, to tape 5 shows, all in one day.  On day, one, as I remember, we had practice rounds.  They matched us up with families, ranging from the worst to the best.  We had done extremely well in the practice round, and nobody wanted to go up against us; therefore, we were paired with the family who had done the worst in the practice round, an all black family, from California, made up of dock workers, school janitors, unemployed family members, etc. . . . and they kicked our asses in the real show!  My sisters, who flew to California to watch us on the show, were totally embarrassed, and my sister, Sue, always seeing herself as the smart one in the family, was so depressed, that she made Keven, sit in the room, while she bitched and moaned, lamenting the fact that she didn't even get one question right!  LOL!  Me, Meg and Rob, were all about cruising around Hollywood, defeat behind us, we were going looking for movie stars, hung out at the Hollywood Hotel, and walked up and down the Boulevard, having a great time!

The Secret To Being Successful on the Feud, Is To Know That The Answers to the Questions, Come From California Audiences!

Okay, so here is an example of what I am talking about . . . Name an item that people rent?  We gave it that old college try, but the number one answer, as I recall, was, SKI'S!  Well, nobody in Utah rents ski's!  Name the rainy season . . . that is easy, in Utah, the joke is, that it always rains on the semi-annual Mormon Conference, in April . . . you know, April showers, right?  Wrong, I think, that the answer, or the top answer, was something like, OCTOBER!  So, due to our location, being in another part of the country, we had totally different answers, that if polled in Utah, from audiences, we would have been right; nevertheless, in California, we were totally wrong, so the loss to me was completely understandable, seeing the facts of what we were up against.  And as we watched the families from all over the country try to guess, what the answers were, not realizing that they were local answers, with audiences, being mainly from California, and probably right there on Hollywood Blvd. there was not way we were going to win, so I kissed my sore ego, and went out on the town for a great time!

That day, after we got a tongue lashing from sisters, Tiffany and Rachel, who were not on the show, who were sure, that they could have done a much better job, representing the Southwick family, than the sisters and other selected to go on the show, we had the opportunity, to see other people and families we had met, perform, and more miserably so, the further east they lived and came from, being so far from California, that they never even got one answer right!  This is how I figured out what the hell was going on . . . 

Name a Wild Animal in the Forest?

If I can remember, from that long ago, there was a family from Texas, going up against a family from Boston.  This question about animals in the forest came up . . . well, I joke with my son-in-law, who grew up in Florida, when he considers, the bumps and hills of the east, and calls them mountains, and tease him that they are not real mountains, those are in the west.  That same sentiment goes for wild animals in the forests back east, compared to those animals here in the best, like mountain lions, bear, moose, wolves, buffalo, bob cats, wolverines, badgers, etc.  So, Richard Dawson, asks the family from Boston, to mention their wild animal . . . and their top entry on the 4 or 5 choices was . . .  are you ready, a beaver!  LOL!  The whole audience went hysterical, and then Richard Dawson, with a totally sarcastic look, turned to the board, that would either bleep you, if you were wrong, putting a feared "X" for getting the question wrong, or it would pop up with one of your answers, being right, no matter where it landed on the board, or in what order.  So, Dawson, yells, the DREADED BEAVER!  And of course the dreaded huge ass "X" came up on the board, rather than the beaver entry!  LOL!

I felt so sorry for the Boston family, because, not only was every answer wrong, but their answers were fucking hilarious, and based on what I saw my sister, Sue go through, being so depressed, having not answered one question right, while embarrassing herself, on national TV, I could only imagine what the family from Boston was going to feel like, but it taught me, exactly why we lost . . . California facts, California seasons, California everything, and the further you lived away from California, the fewer answers you got right!  I was glad, that Utah was at least positioned in the west, with at least some similarities, and I believe, I was very relieved to have gotten, at least ONE RIGHT!  LOL!  Always go for happiness, not ego, or you will get fucked every time.  I let it go, had a great time, was grateful for the experience, and glad to get the vacation and the gifts.  I don't know if Sue ever recovered!  LOL!  Maybe, that is why I went on to law school, and she never did!  She was always the one who wanted to be an attorney, when we were young; however, I didn't let, silly, Family Feud, ruin my life!  And I had a fucking good time in law school!  My first boss, at the Utah Prosecution Council, asked me what I thought of law school, and I said, I thought it was fun . . .  he responded by saying, if I had known that before I hired you, I never would have hired you!  He never did let me hang my BYU law school graduation certificate!  LOL!  I knew I was still a lawyer!  LOL!

Warning . . . Tourists From Around the World . . . Wild Beasts Are No Joke, They Will Kill You!

It was interesting, in the article in the Missoula Independent, entitled, Encounters of the WORST Kind, actually took the total extreme opposite position than I would . . . Sarah Aswell, came from back east somewhere, and read all these books about wild grizzly attacks, mountain lions, and other encounters of the worst kind, and it sounds like she over prepared, and not only learned what to do when you come onto a wild beast, but actually, if not being sarcastic, wanted to actually have an encounter with a bear, and dreamed of saving other people she was either hiking with, or camping with.  I however, saw two grizzlies in the wild, not more than 20 feet away, and got scared out of my wits, and feared every twig snapping, and even not wearing my classes, being traumatized by that first real siting, through the mere rocks in the rivers and lakes, were grizzly bears!  But, to qualify, and let you know, that this fear of the wild unknown, came from birth, or my younger years, when I actually did live in California, and my father, with a sick sense of a thrill, used to like to take his children to movies, like JAWS and Psycho, just to see our reactions . . . I have never, stepped foot in the ocean since, seeing the opening scenes of Jaws, when the girl is taking an midnight swim, out to the buoy, and gets bitten in half, after being tossed and thrown about like a rag doll, for a while!  

I always error on the side of safety, and for error on the side of safety, and for damned good reason, this is not like instant replay, where you get to put your scalp back on, or take the part of your leg that a bear just bit off you, and sew it back on, where it belongs.  I have broken my leg, in 5 places before, felt pain, so real you could taste it, and I can't imagine the horror, of going shit, this hurts, or fuck, this bear is still going after me, or damn this mountain lion can run fast . . . or like the young girl, who was gored in Yellowstone National Park this season, who was gored by a buffalo, cute little fuzzy creatures, so nice and gentle, and thrown in the air, after being gored, and then stomped on!  Come on, that must have been an horrendous experience for her parents, who I believe had her stand for a photo, with the wild animal too close for comfort!

The chick in the article, said that all her Montana friends, told her once she moved out here in the wild west, that you are more likely to get hit by a car, than encounter a bear.  She recounted her one close exposure to a bear, and it must have been a small black bear, but she compared it more to Winnie the Pooh, bear, who just came out of the brush, leaned against a tree, and sat down, with it's arms limp at its side, and belly bulging as it just sat there, didn't chase her or do anything, but watch her and her dog, I think, as I recall, from reading the story, a few days ago.  That may be her experience; however, just less than a month ago, I was down in Durango, Colorado, when two people, I had become acquainted with, fought a bear off, there friend, who was, and again, this is from memory, bitten on the head, in his tent while sleeping, getting part of his scalp ripped off, and later, the bear, grabbed him around the throat, and drug him, while his two friends and husband and wife team, beat the bear off their friend, who was immediately taken to the hospital, luckily, there just happened to be a cop, nearby, who rushed the guy to the hospital or called the paramedics!  The couple didn't have a car, and the guy could have died . . . I understand he is doing fine!  But, I do believe that the bear, who took off, came back several days later, and scared another camper, and I think it was caught that time.

Now I Am Going To Scare the Shit Out of YOU!

  • the first thing I heard, on the news, coming into Helena, Montana, was three mountain lions, a mom and her two cubs, just walking up around the Capitol Building, which is so beautifully, placed, up near the mountains, the pines, and with walking trails, literally leading from that area, up to the nearby mountains.
  • several days after that, there happened to be another woman, who had a mountain lion, run into her open door, and go downstairs where her nephew was . . . lucky for cell phones, she called him, and told him to shut the door, and the lion ran back out the back door of the home . . . scary as hell!
  • one of my acquaintances, used to work up at the Capitol on security, and one night, she was walking around the grounds, and she felt that someone or something was stalking her as she walked around on this nice, fresh, snowy night . . . the next day, she retraced her steps, and there were mountain lion tracks, following her on her whole route!  She now works at Walmart in Helena!  I don't blame her!
  • I have had two very close encounters of the worst kind, with two different mountain lions in Utah . . . the first came, after I had been hiking for about 5 hours, going through a divorce, and just thinking, not particularly paying attention to where I was, but I knew it had been an awfully long time since I had seen a person, and what caught my attention, was that the topography and vegetation changed drastically, and the pungent smell of these large, Boston, fern-like looking plants, almost tropical, looking, densely filled a small part of the landscape, between the pine trees, about 5 mountain ranges back up a canyon, in Provo, behind the Mormon Temple, I think, might be called Rock Creek.  The smell, brought me out of my trace like state, and stunned me a bit, taken back by the drastic change in the look of the mountain, and this small oasis in the forest, I thought, what would I do if I ran into a mountain lion?  And just as I said that to myself, I looked over and bounding through the ferns, I could see the light tan back of a huge ass cat, leaping and lopping along, right dead spot on, where I would have been walking, had I not come to my senses . . . the road curved, and the lion was going straight, but we were on a collision course!  I knew the two worst things to do, was to surprise a mountain lion, or run from one, but given the fact that the lion didn't see me, and the smell would have covered my smell, I had seen a outhouse, back down the road, and I high tailed it as fast as I could run, and I was totally in shape back in the day, and glad for it, and made it to the bathrooms . . . never heard the cat, but I never turned around either, just ran, as fast as I could!
  • the second encounter, came at a time when I had just gone up the mountains to get some peace and quiet and think, because I love the mountains and find peace and solitude there, like no other place, and such was that day.  But, much like the other occasion when danger is around, my intuition, made me sense that something was watching me, that something was not right, and I needed to take a look around . . . not more than 10 to 15 feet above me, was a mountain lion, just pacing back and forth, up along the cliffs I was parked under, probably his territory, I would guess, but, there was a clear and present danger, and the cat, was looking right down to my small car, with all four windows, unrolled.  I quickly took action, rolled up all the windows, and split!  That cat, could have pounced on me or the car, and have had a claw or worse a head, with fangs, sunk in my neck faster than a speeding bullet!
  • another night, back two years ago, in Kalispell, Montana, I was walking late, one balmy winter night, near Christmas, back on the road, between the Flathead Valley Community College, and the Kalispell Medical Center, after listening to a lecture one night, and going home.  There is a stretch of that road, that is almost totally uninhabited by humans, other than a deep set farm house or barn, on tons of property, with the forest and pine trees, going right up to the road.  So, I am walking about 9 or 10 P.M., and I hear this kind of growl, some type of sound, that I was unfamiliar with, and I just kept walking, hoping the sound would go away, and then another sound, and I can't describe it, because I had not heard it before, and I sort of know what a mountain lion sounds, like, and that might be one.  So, I slowly, but as quick as I could without drawing much attention, crossed the trees, and cut through some yards, to houses and civilization, that was merely a short distance from this wild sound, and went back to highway 93, to take a more traveled part of Kalispell at that time of night.  The next day on the front cover of the Daily Inter Lake Newspaper, there was a picture of a mountain lion, just laying on a branch of a pine tree, big as life . . . I didn't know the name of the street it was on, but I thought that might have been the source of the sounds that I had heard the night before!  Scary!
  • I have seen moose, elk, pretty close up, just yesterday, there were two deer bucks, with full racks of horns, just walking around yards at the top of Rattlesnake Canyon, leaving deer pooh, when I got back from sitting down by the river for a while.
  • the closest I have actually come, or it seemed so, with an encounter of the worst kind.  Back in the fall of 2012, after escaping Utah with my life, and hiding out in National Parks, from Zion National Park in Utah, to Glacier National Park in Montana, but at this particular time, staying either in Yellowstone National Park, the Tetons, or Grand Targee, going between those and Jackson Hole, Wyoming or West Yellowstone in Montana, I was camping out up at a remote lake, by myself, called, Twin Lakes, or Two Lakes, on the east side of Yellowstone or on the Wyoming side, near the Tetons or Targee, not sure, but I came in from Jackson Hole side into the park, and drove way high, or so it seemed, and nobody was even at the lake except me.  I decided to take a nice little stroll around the lake shore, in the early afternoon, but as I got, only about 5 minutes from where I had parked my car, and started, the shoreline got muddy, sludgy, and too wet to walk along, so I promptly turned back, rather that try to push it and get my feet stuck in the mud, or get bogged down by wet soil.  I started back to the car, and right there, on the shore, where I had been, not minutes earlier, was what I have now come to know as bear scat!  Or rather bear poop!  At the time, being somewhat alarmed at how close it was, and the close timing of the wild beast coming to do this duty, leaving a trace that it had indeed been their, and right in the middle of the path, so there was no mistake that it had been a close encounter, and at the time, I thought, this is either Big Foot, or a bear!  That poop is huge, and there is all kinds of sick looking stuff in it, like hair, twigs, and pooh I had never seen before . . . due to that experience, I bought all my older grand kids, or one per family a book, put out by Glacier National Park, called, Who Pooped in the Park?  A really cute children's book that helps kids to identify the kinds of animals, that leave markings here and there in the Park!  A couple of joggers from Utah State University, came to the lake, just as I was getting back, to my car, and I took them down to the lake's edge, and showed them the scat, and said, I don't know if this is bear pooh, but, I would be very careful, because it came, right while I was just walking a bit around the shore line!  They decided that it was not a good place to jog at!  It just dawned on me, a strange place, given the timing of my visit and run in the National Parks, this was just days before the 2012 elections, and while in the Park, coming down into Jackson, I heard on the radio, that the Salt Lake Tribune, had just endorsed President Obama . . . I had been writing to several Salt Lake Trib, journalists, telling them what happened to my case, that they had in fact, interviewed me on, and they knew I was running for my life, but going into libraries in Jackson and Bozeman, writing my poison pen emails, pre-blog days, telling the world about the whole $357 million lawsuit, with my portion, being stolen, going to Mitt's campaign, with doubles signing off on settlements and bribes to clients, judges, etc., so they knew what the real story behind my vehement push to get Mitt defeated . . . perhaps a bear staged murder would work!  But, the couple heeded my advice and left the lake, as I did myself!
  • my friend Nick, who got fired, or replaced on his job at Yellowstone National Park, working for D and C, vendors, over the food in the Park, who didn't pay him, either for 78 hours of work, owing him about $1,000 is still getting emails on the news in the Park that employees get, and he is the one who told me about the four goring by buffalo in the Park so far this year . . .  one man was gored, three times, from the back, tossed in the air each time, and he lived to tell about it.  But, a pretty reliable source, coming straight from the Park Rangers!  I heard that there are about 40 bear encounters a season, going from about June to October, at Glacier National Park each season.

Have Fun In the Parks, In the Wild, But Be Careful!

  • don't feed the bears . . . don't leave food around your campsite!

    • I have heard that bear spray is extremely effective, more than bullets, but make sure you are of the mind, to point it at the bear, not get caught in the spray yourself

      • don't run, these animals, all of them can run faster than you

        • sacrifice a pet, rather than a human, really!

          • make noise while you are hiking . . . locals tell me they hit sticks together, or wear bells on their shoes

            • play dead . . . the eyes are a vulnerable part of a bear or a mountain lion, people have used sticks, pens, and other items to get a lion off a loved on, and saved their lives

              HAVE FUN CAMPING, BUT BE SMART!  LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS, OH YEAH!  THIS IS MONTANA!  I WAS GOING TO BUY BEAR SPRAY FOR MY KIDS FOR A GAG GIFT FOR CHRISTMAS, THE LADY AT WALMART, SAW ME LAUGHING AND SAID, THAT IS NOT A JOKE, YOU NEED THAT UP HERE . . . BOTH BEARS AND LIONS, NO TIGERS, YET, HAVE WALKED RIGHT INTO THE PARKING LOT AT WALLY'S WORLD IN KALISPELL!  NOT BULL SHIT!

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