One More For the Husband Saver . . . Are You KIDDING ME!
All the Mormons and the Catholics, who were pregnant, while in college, at the University of Arizona, while my husband was getting his masters degree, signed up to have their babies at the Catholic Charities, for a mere $300 per baby, or if you were really lucky or unlucky, like one of my friends, you could get two babies for the price of one, with twins. The really great thing about that deal, is that even if you had twins, and they were premature, and needed to stay in the hospital for 6 months, and your bill ran up to $50,000, back in 1978, you still only had to pay the flat rate of $300. The really, not so great thing about the deal, is they gave you as little anesthesia as they could get away with, no matter what size your baby was . . . try delivering, what looked like the great white whale, Moby Dick, compared to all the tiny Hispanic babies with a ton of hair, and my baby, was so fat, that she looked like she had cottage cheese all over her, and already had cellulite, with the docs, having to pull a huge head out of my womb, which usually is the largest part of a babies body, and then the rest just slides out . . . not if the baby weighs, 9 pounds 13 ounces!
So, as I tried to get the doctor to just kill me, because I was in so much pain, going the natural route, right up to the point of delivery, when a local was given, on the Catholic budget plan, one size fits all, having been sent home from the doctor's office on my due date, the week before, with tranquilizers, because I was so pissed that this baby was not even acting at all interested in coming into this world, and after all that, while I was filleted on the table, torn, bleeding, but very glad, I had birthed the great white legend of Herman Melville, being tortured, just like Captain Ahab, by my almost 10 pound baby girl, who looked like she was 2 months old at birth, the doctor, a young, handsome, intern, smugly said, while he was mending the damage done to my body, and stitching me up, as the last one or close to the last painful plunge of the needle entered my very sore lower extremities, and one more for the husband, called the husband keeper!
What the fuck, only a man, would be more concerned about my husband's future sex life, than for me, the victim of sex with him 9 months and a week earlier, the year before. I, being the feminist I am, having never considered that as part of the deal, seeing he didn't do much of the work to get her here, or he just did the fun part, leaving me burdened and like a watermelon on a train, she couldn't get off, in the hot September day, in Tucson, Arizona! I don't give a rat's ass about my husband, get this done! Several days later, as I was walking down the hall, to check on my baby, this young intern, who I didn't care much for at that point, was sitting with about 6 other, pretty handsome young interns, and he blurted out, for all to hear . . . How are your stitches JoAnn? I did not even dignify that question with a response! I am sure that, what he would have considered, standard procedure and something a woman, might also be concerned with, with me being the exception, had relayed my response to his fellow medical interns, probably dissing me for not loving the wiener, as much as they do! I appreciate it more now, that there is no risk of pregnancy! LOL!
I Put the Kegel Ball, Right Up There With Preparing My Nipples for Nursing! Dismissed Much Like My Response to the Young Doc!
With that, being pretty much, my frame of mind, on these things, this morning, I stopped by Walgreens, to see if they had a Kettle Bell, or a piece of exercise equipment, that looks like a ball with a 5 to 10 pound weight, connected to a single handle, that is shaped to fit your hand in, with similar characteristics to a bell . . . I had left mine, at Tony Osthemeier's house, in Missoula, where I lived last summer, and purchased the plastic covered weight, claiming to be the instrument, of the perfect exercise, doing 200 swings between my legs, with sets of 10 push-ups, intermittently . . . sounds like another piece of perfect exercise, that might have similar stats, now that my child bearing years are finished, taking off the weight the fun way! LOL! I told the clerk what I wanted, having looked many times, but not finding one like the one I had last summer, and to my surprise, she said, I think we do have one! Really, does it have plastic on it . . . as she grabs, this rather small oblong shaped box, that didn't resemble what I was looking for in any way, shape or form, function included. She proudly, continued to take the strange object, out of the box, and showed me this soft rubber, thing, kind of shaped like a kettle bell, but about a 10th the size, and not round, but more elongated. What in the hell is that?
A Kegel Ball . . . this very attractive woman, my age, must have thought, that we both had the same thing on our minds, and I laughed, as said, what are you thinking about, both of us cracked up laughing! Her quick conclusion and guess as to what I wanted, could not have been more extremely the opposite, and we both laughed, as I examined the little object, that I would never have imagined existed, much as is my experience with dildos and other sex playing paraphernalia! LOL! I am a pretty all natural gal, somewhat heeding some advice on the female anatomy and sex related exercises, thinking this little device, seemed like the cousin to the husband or lover saver, the doc had mentioned, being much more worldly, than, at the time, this little Mormon housewife was, as is also the case with Montana cowgirls, a bit more savvy on these matters. She didn't seem embarrassed at all . . . I didn't want to touch it with a 10 foot pole, and quickly chided her a bit, and she rolled with it, laughing with me, moving on to the next topic, of fun discussion.
Curiosity Got the Best of Me . . . I Went Back to Read the Instructions
As I read the text boxes on this little red, rubber, apparatus, I noticed that there was a connection, between the hugely popular book, The 50 Shades of Grey, and the promotional connection between the words on the box and that movie, with all its connotations, logical dots, and implications . . . that this little funny tool, can, do to make you look like you are 30 again, have a hotter than hot boyfriend, who can't get enough of having sex with you . . . blah, blah, blah! The male pharmacist must have been wondering what we were talking about, because he came out of his cave in the back, and looked around, relating the source of the hesitancy in buying the product, and what I was saying about it. I am sure, that he got a kick out of our conversation, and probably wanted to cement a picture of my face, in his mind, making sure he never asked me out on a date! LOL! For all you old fashioned gals, into the a la natural methods of doing things, have probably either been told, or figured this no brainer out, and have come up with some exercises you can do without any aid, or artificial sweeteners, to get-r-done, if you know what I mean!
The directions on the box, were a bit sketchy, for this dumb broad, who didn't get it, or how it worker, so, in a hushed voice, I asked the clerk chick, how it worked. Wow, that sounds effortless, much less work than doing your own set of exercises, if you even remember to do them, which is more the case with me, and so far, I haven't had any complaints, from my partners that is. One of my friends, by way of comparison, after her husband had called her, and wondered how much longer she would be with me, had to listen to me say, why is he calling you, and wondering when you are getting home . . . don't return his call, and let's go do something else . . . she gave me a half grateful, and half dismayed look, and she said, That is why I am married, JoAnn . . . and You are Not!
Like the diet products, I also laughed with her about, stating that I would kill myself exercising, but dieting was out! I like to eat too much. But, later, she told me that this new fan dangled device that might have been created to ride on the coat tails of the tale of the 50 Shades . . . a renewed interest in sex for women, with erotica playing a big part of their psycho sexual mind, heart and body. After she explained more the dynamics of the Kegel Ball, I told her that was cool, that you just stick it in, and it starts to take on a life of its own, with the claims, that some how this small blob of rubber in you, does all the work and your muscles just start to work on the object in your vaginal walls. I guess that I am too analytical to believe that, but it sounded nice, and like my kind of exercise tool. Healthy scepticism, is what I would call it . . . but of course, if we were all healthy and happy, I might recommend it. Other than that, it made no sense. Just one more of those things a man, probably made up to coddle his penis, at the woman's expense, well work. I think, I just want someone to love me, for me, nor for the tightness of my golden pachang! If you love someone, you simply, just want to be connected, stay attached and feel the heat, or at least that is my experience . . . all the rest, to me, if bull shit!
The directions on the box, were a bit sketchy, for this dumb broad, who didn't get it, or how it worker, so, in a hushed voice, I asked the clerk chick, how it worked. Wow, that sounds effortless, much less work than doing your own set of exercises, if you even remember to do them, which is more the case with me, and so far, I haven't had any complaints, from my partners that is. One of my friends, by way of comparison, after her husband had called her, and wondered how much longer she would be with me, had to listen to me say, why is he calling you, and wondering when you are getting home . . . don't return his call, and let's go do something else . . . she gave me a half grateful, and half dismayed look, and she said, That is why I am married, JoAnn . . . and You are Not!
Like the diet products, I also laughed with her about, stating that I would kill myself exercising, but dieting was out! I like to eat too much. But, later, she told me that this new fan dangled device that might have been created to ride on the coat tails of the tale of the 50 Shades . . . a renewed interest in sex for women, with erotica playing a big part of their psycho sexual mind, heart and body. After she explained more the dynamics of the Kegel Ball, I told her that was cool, that you just stick it in, and it starts to take on a life of its own, with the claims, that some how this small blob of rubber in you, does all the work and your muscles just start to work on the object in your vaginal walls. I guess that I am too analytical to believe that, but it sounded nice, and like my kind of exercise tool. Healthy scepticism, is what I would call it . . . but of course, if we were all healthy and happy, I might recommend it. Other than that, it made no sense. Just one more of those things a man, probably made up to coddle his penis, at the woman's expense, well work. I think, I just want someone to love me, for me, nor for the tightness of my golden pachang! If you love someone, you simply, just want to be connected, stay attached and feel the heat, or at least that is my experience . . . all the rest, to me, if bull shit!
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