Big Proponent of Pre-Marriage Counseling
I tend to be a head person, rather than a heart person, very cerebral decision for me, this marriage thing, and at this point with Mr. James Kennedy, just a curiosity, nothing sure, nothing even in the works, just curiosity . . . and like I told him, some men are better memories, from first impressions. But, being the smart man that he is, game was not over at that point, he revamped, and reinvented the hit lines, started doing stuff I really like, like pulling my chair over, close to him, taking charge on things near and dear to my heart, like service, scriptures, but not losing the male aggression, but tempering it a bit, knowing full well, this is not going to be the normal game of meet, and go straight to bed, but a game of skill, brains, sexuality, raw emotions, gaming, and taking time, to do it right. Game on or game over! Couples make the mistake of saying, I hate games, and just want to get right to the good relationship! Your are going to play the game of love, either at the beginning, when there is less at risk, or after you get with the person, and then start the marriage process! LOL!
People need to understand the definition of the word, marriage, it is a coming together, and not just sexually, that is the easy part, but a blending of two lives, into a harmonious one. I would say, that women, have the upper hand, in taking time, and they also, are more in control, or at least, speaking for myself, not as driven by sex, while wanting it, they don't fill up with testosterone, and of that I am eternally grateful, that I am a women, and in control of all my body parts, I am too much of a control freak to have one unruly member, that has another head, competing with the larger one contained in the cerebellum or the cerebral cortex, the center of thought, not emotion, although, the largest sex organ. If my head is not in it, nothing else will be, so that is the unconquered territory. With a libido, that is much closer to a male, than a female, but with the control of a female, and a personality of a hooker--attracted to tons of men, I am a unique mix of a woman, and the hardest type to be married to. Now, Mr. Kennedy, might in fact be married or separated, so I proceed with caution, knowing full well, that some guy on the prowl, doesn't necessarily mean, they are, in fact, available, and how many a poor fool of a woman, finds themselves deeply in love with some asshole, that is, in deed, married! I am open to that reality, so, the game, is necessary to heart survival, with him.
While being married four times, to James, six, I respect marriage too much, to venture into uncharted waters, even for one night. I had a hard time bonding, even through sex with my first husband, but as I get older, or the FBI Dating Game, reads me better and better, they are sending men, who are closer and closer to my likings, and unique appetites, and the first time, James walked into the Butte Rescue Mission, before I knew his name, I had a panic attack, freaking out, looking down at my ring finger, and for a second, wondering where my gold band was, the classic wedding band, forget the diamonds, just a gold circle, indicating eternal circles of completeness, that shocked me, since, I get claustrophobia, with any wedding band on my finger . . . so something new to me, pure nature of animal attraction, at first sight, interested me from an intellectual framework, as being out of the ordinary for me, in a life long pursuit of endless love, connection, coming together, in a married state, not necessarily, officially married. For at this point in my life, that is not mandatory, marriage, protects children . . . True Detective. I am into beauty, excitement and adventure, so Durango, hell yeah, see where this phase of life, at a recommendation takes me?
TV Show . . . Married At First Sight . . . Lost Ring?
When I saw the title of the new TV show, called, Married at First Sight, immediately caught, my eye, because of the reaction, Mr. Kennedy had on my psyche, that was totally not typical to my mentality, my heart, and emotions. I am listening to the oldies, moldies, Commodores, with Lionel Richie, title, right now, SWEET LOVE, SWEET, SWEET LOVE . . . a possibility, certainly, on my side. You've got to keep on searching everyday, because it is oh, oh, oh, sweet love, and you need a friend, just fall in love! The lyrics and I am a hopeless romantic, so I will go with it. Like buying a home, predicting whether you are attracted to someone, not always, but generally, will take place in the first 5 minutes, on purely a physical level, and the rest takes more time. Is this where we are going wrong, judging on the physical attraction, that Darwinian level of survival of the fittest? Juries, also decided on their verdict, early, through all kinds of subconscious levels, the feelings toward the attorneys, opening arguments, prior to witness testimonies, so we are impulsive creatures.
But, I also, believe that knowledge is power, and that goes for choosing our mates, whether in or out of marriage. A relationship is multifaceted, deep, has levels, priorities, deal breakers, hidden agendas, we come with a sum total of our prior relationships, with prejudices, preconceived notions of what men and women should do and be like, roles, if you will, and that makes this very complicated, if we are to do it right. When the TV show, started, they had over 7,000 people, sign up to have the experts, choose their partners, for marriage, not just dating, or like the bachelor or bachelorette, scoping many possible partners, but one, chosen, just for that person, using the 4 levels of expertise, to match up the best couples, and see what happens, and the first time they see each other is at the alter! Very interesting. The one thing we do know, is we can't do much worse, with the experts, than we have been doing on our own. Most of the couples, had exhausted their own resources, dating and matching sites, and tended to be in their late 20's and early 30's, which is interesting, because, Gail Sheele (?), who wrote the book in the 70's called, Passages, really predicted, that whatever the 20's look like, no matter how wild college was, how many partners, that about the age of 31, when men and women, a bit younger, due to the biological clock ticking, decided, that the next passage in their lives, was to settle down, and took that opportunity to mate, hopefully for life and to have children. So, parents relax on your children, nature, starts to kick in, and they will eventually settle down, depending on careers, and maturity.
Process, Used to Be, Age, Race, Religion, Lifestyle . . . No More!
Age is just a number, race disappears when love steps in, and religions without walls, changes, finding people of like spirituality are much more like you, than someone raised in the same religion. I used to think, that the more alike two people were, the better chance they had of making it. I have evolved. Age is just a number now, there are people who are young, who are old, and other who are old, yet young, energetic, so, but there is still that nagging, yeah, but he may like me now, but, in 10 years? But, I am just starting to scratch the surface of true love . . . or what I am coming to experience, beyond the obvious attractions. I am generally, not attracted to men of my own age, that male thing, I guess, and people really doubt my age, and wonder if I am lying about it, why would I tell them I am 60? If I wasn't, and proud of every day, year, decade and lack of wrinkles, why in the hell and what woman, do you know, that will fess up to an age oder than she is? But, the really fun thing, is finding someone, actually, close to my age, not sure James is admitting his true age, but he has tons of energy, which is where I am at, off the charts on energy tests, and need someone who doesn't have one foot in the grave.
Again, I like another guy, but he is currently living with a girlfriend, as far as I know, and he has younger children, not that I couldn't deal with them, but they need the security this current relationship, provides them, I am just not selfish enough, to destroy some kids, life, for my interests, attraction, sex, or fun. There are relationships, that I can have in the mean time, and that I can fill in the gaps with, having great times and interesting incidents, and my find, that are more fulfilling than another relationship, closer to where I am currently in my own life. There was this kid named Nick, at the Mission, who was always in the middle of me and James, and James would always refer to me and him as grandma and grandpa, with several other younger guys on the prowl, and me not being evidently, 60, even appearing to James, as much younger. But that was a term of endearment to me . . . I heard a song, country, recently, that said, you ease my fears of sitting in a rocker on the front porch . . . and in deed he does, so handsome, happy to just stare at the sunset, and hold hands, on some Kansas farm! LOL! Both of us, are high energy, but with James recent broken leg, or shooting, as a hop-a-long, and my poisoning, you reach a time, when you feel like you are 35, and maybe can pull it off, but time and accidents, sickness, or alleged sicknesses, can bring a touch of reality to a person, who has grown, little beyond the teenage, invincibility stage. Can't go on forever.
Fascinating Mix of Experts, Dealing With Sex, Religion, Background, Psyche
The 7,000 participants who were willing to let the experts choose their mate, were pared down to about 30 people, and the experts, met with them, talked to them, checked out their closets, fridges, backgrounds, religious preferences, and lives, to get a feel for the challenges, the priorities, ties to families, and their ideas of marriage, good, bad and ugly, then sat down and mixed a matched. They eventually came up with 4 couples, who then had 10 days to prepare for their weddings, sight unseen, and full of anticipation. I missed Tuesday night, but saw the process by which the experts, matched the couples, and thought, this show can be of great public service, showing couples, at least the areas of what to consider, and what makes a good mate, beyond the sex, money, or whatever ails the couples! This could be considered broad scale, pre-marriage counseling. At least there would be some insights, beyond the wild, wild, wilderness of the dating game, expecting, computer specialists, waitresses, and others to make great marriage choices without any training. Hell, I am someone who has really tried, and maybe educated me out of my own marriages, and over analyzed things, making me and my husbands, after the fact, lab rats, rather than taking the time up front . . .
As a Utah assistant attorney general, I found myself, after my first divorce, involved, training, writing, and educating people on domestic violence, something I knew little of, in my personal life. I pushed for pre-marriage counseling, and found out that Utah, actually, had pre-marriage counseling on the law books, but it didn't get any appropriations or funding, so there might have not been anything on the books. Governor Mike Leavitt, had a pre-marriage or marriage committee, and me and my committee hooked up with the Governor's wife, Jackie, and others, trying to improve the state of marriage in the state, knowing full well, that we could cut down on many of societies ills, if we could just get people married well. Even abusers, are not hideous people, generally, but it takes two to tango, and people can either bring out the best or worst in you, and, let me say, there is no fucking excuse for abuse! But people can push our buttons, and there are people who are into power and control over other people, which is sick, but can be changed, and the signs of domestic and dating violence, can be taught, so abusers and abused can recognize them and get help, if they decide to go through with the marriage, but there is help out there, and as I said, knowledge is power, and you can change!
Most Fights in Marriage Are About, SEX & MONEY!
So, spending habits, sexual appetite, the desire for intimacy, and it is not, a male or female thing, but an individual preference, and can be changed, or enhanced, and believe it or not, the average couple, only has sex twice a week . . . not good enough for me, about 8 times a day, and that has to do with energy, positions, and expectations, a bang in the closet, from behind, is cool with me, forget the flowers and dinner, just do it to me, darling! LOL! Again, I am different from many women, who need more connection, foreplay and time. So, discussing this stuff with either your potential partner, fiance, or lover, is critical to the survival of the relationship. I was watching a 48 Hours, and this husband and wife, for all intents and purposes, seemed happily married, but he was allowing her to spend as much money as she wanted, always bringing home new dresses and shoes, until one day her husband, said, she needed to nip these shopping binges in the bud . . . she went absolutely ape shit on him and she started to abuse him! At, times, guys can be the same with sex, as long as they get their fill, or their way, with their partner, all is well, but if she is pregnant, or sick, or just tired, all hell can break out, in the home. Both are ugly and selfish!
Cultural Differences . . . We Can Learn, Adapt, Change, Improve
My cousin, Ed, went on a Mormon mission to Japan, and he divorced his American wife, to marry two Japanese women. He said, that marriage in Japan, and this is his take, is a true contract, and if you marry a woman who is size 4 when you get married, and she gets to be a size 14, that is reason for divorce! In a like manner, if the man makes $10,000 per month, and the wife is accustomed to that, and the economy tanks, as it has, she is perfectly within her rights to can your ass, not what she contracted for. Affairs, are not that big of deal, as long as what you expected from this person, is still maintained. Kids are protected, and many older women are glad to have their husbands take the pressure off them, for sex, so all is well and stays secure in the marriage. In America, we are much more romantic than that, even these couples who were being lined up and matched by the specialist, were referring to the fairy tale spouse, the knight in shining armor, and women, are conditioned through fairy tales, princess mantras, being cherished and precious to the guy, who may not want to rescue or be everything to some woman who has learned helplessness! He becomes her end all, and she becomes a burden, rather than a help meet, not helpmate!
I read a great book, I got free off the free shelves, outside the Missoula Library, called, something like, For Better, For Worse, or Not At All! It was the most practical look at marriage, I have ever read, and the author was Australian. He just looked at marriage in just a down and dirty manner, and said, marriage is not about the other person in the marriage, it is about YOU! This other person, is a mere reflection of us, as people, and what level of love we have for ourselves. The scripture re-enforce this concept in Ephesians, when it states that if a man, hates his wife, he hates himself! And I think that is true, she is just his punching bag, and visa verse. And I have also heard that you can only love some one else, as much as you love yourself . . . so if you are getting shitty relationships, you may want to work on loving yourself! To many people jump from relationship to relationship, looking for themselves, or someone to validate themselves. The more you have your shit together, and love yourself, not in a narcissistic way, but in true appreciation for who you are, you are a shining star . . . with a deep and abiding love, and value for your uniqueness, the more likely you will find a mate that sees you the same way, and will love and value you as a person, not for sex and money! Sometimes that is a trade off, between the sexes, and it sucks.
Don't Rule Out Inter-Racial Partners
A song just came on, in true Lionel Richie fashion, about a relationship, that just didn't pan out, but the hopes and dreams of a dashed relationship, knowing she needed him, and he needed her, more than either of them were willing to admit to, and preconceived notions, societies calls, age, background, and all, I basically mentally, talked myself out of a very dear, loving, and healthy, sexually healing relationship that I will value and kind of regret not pursuing, forever, really. A deep, loving, connection with another human being, that was to pure, so good, so loving, so true, and so raw, real and relevant. But again, playing the intellectual, reasoning all the reasons, we would not work out, rather than entertaining the possibilities, that while maybe not marriage, but something, long term, was so healthy, so good, and the best thing that could have happened to either one of us, at least for the time.
Me and this much younger man, 41, met on the Amtrak Train to Washington, D.C., and spent the few days getting there together, enjoying each and every second, but with me, as is usual, pushing him away, and not going with him, as we split in Chicago, and wondering if the man was actually murdered, as in line with my other attractions . . . we tested, some 300 text messages, until we tried to get together again, but at some point, it seemed that someone, took over, but was not like him, while me and the either new guy or the old one, big questions, may have been three of these, using the same name, but there definitely was a connection between me and all of them? But sex, which was a must, before he could even talk to me, LOL, get business over, before, business, played attorney/client, while no money was passed, nor an attorney/client relationship, but that seemed to be a pre-requisite before he could function, and it didn't matter where we were, and it was fun, rewarding, and all I could describe it as, was, cleansing, healing, and way cool. Always a mystery to me, but whatever. He will be at the bottom of my heart, for a long, long time . . . who knows? Whatever in the hell it was, I will never know, but I thought, with a 168 I.Q., it was a shame, and he was cheating the world, by not having a child, and passing on intelligence genes, if nothing else, I dig smart people. He listened to me, and I kind of ended the relationship, because he needed to be with the mother and the child . . . I don't think that was what he thought would happen, he just didn't know me! LOL! Honor and nobility above pleasure and pain! Commodores are killing me, making me cry!
Let Go of Stereotypical Roles for the Sexes! The Freer, You Can Be From These Now Days, the Happier You Will Be!
There are more women graduating from college, more in law and medical schools, than men, and many are making in roads in business, commerce, and all areas, and we may even get a female president. Let go of the roles, as much as possible, women still have the children, and I believe that nature does dictate some things, like muscles, and other gender specific issues that may affect career choices, and every woman, maybe speaking for myself, loves a man, who recognizes the differences, and holds a door open, and defends a woman's honor, protects her from bullies, and other threatening situations, that may be due to physical size, pitting a man against a woman, half his size. But, I was raised in the era of the indoctrination of Father Knows Best, not always, Leave it to Beaver, My Three Sons, almost making women, none existent, and superfluous to the family, if needed at all . . . both sexes are needed and imperative to the success and development of a child, both contributing love, protection, value and a specific set of characteristics that one sex has over the other, but both are needed, and couples, should do what works for them and not let other dictate what your individual family, with personality traits, will do . . . there is no set success formula, for either good families and good kids, or marriages!
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