The Line Between Love & Hate is Very Thin
The first time, I ever heard about, dating violence, was when, my older sister, Shelley, who was attending Utah State University, in Logan, Utah, had a crush on a white football players, named Jim Manning, I think, if I remember, listening to the vents of my bedroom, up through the vent to my parent's room, the night, they pulled my sister out of college, for the semester, after she was, beat up by the black football, player roommate, Shelley was seeing to make Jim jealous. I guess he either figured out that she was using him to get to Jim, or he wanted more in the relationship, and pushed things further than Shelley was willing to go, and as is the case in abusive relationships, whether in a dating situation or in a marriage, when generally, the female, wasn't to get out of the relationship, or takes control, and starts to demand her independence, or is threatening to push the abuser, or at times, just a guy, who, turns into an abuser, out of her life, she is most at risk . . . I learned that through my own, not necessarily abusive relationship, other than he stalked me, would call me 24/7, parked his ass in my closet, after my roommates, left for Christmas vacation and refused to leave for two weeks, until they return, and eventually, was so obsessed, he could no longer work, so he started to forge checks, and was arrested and went to prison for 18 months, which at first he blamed on me, and threatened me, again, after he got out, and wanted me to go to jail, but, after studying his reactions, that the more I pushed him away, the harder he came on to me, so I told him, that he was more than welcome to come visit me, and that defused the obsession, it was the rejections, that flames the fire of obsession. I learned that if I just acted normal, not pushing him away, and just let him visit, but not playing games, or trying to get rid of him, he became a semi-normal man, rational and we ended up friends, after all he put me through, and all I put him through.
Somehow, the chemistry, between a man and a woman, even without sex, which was the case with me and this guy, that didn't seem to matter, maybe that would have made it better, who knows, sometimes the conquest, the challenge, the pursuit, especially for an alpha male, who can basically get any, or most woman he wants, it is all about, the conquest, getting the girl . . . this guy was voted, Mr. Casanova, in his Brigham Young University, Mormon singles ward, with tons of women, he pursued, and once he got a date, that was the challenge, then it, or the fun was over, and he lost interest. I, being the recently divorced, yet, still, very much a prude, self-righteously virtuous, he thought more innocent than most BYU coeds, even wondered if I really had ever been married, and thought my kids must have been born, via, immaculate conception, or through a petri dish, or artificial insemination, remember, I am the same one, who, when asked my my Mormon bishop, when a freshman, repenting over french kissing, with the bishop asking me if I had ever had oral sex, and I asked him what that was . . . threw me out of his office, saying I was wasting his time, yeah, that me, and my children will vouch for that mother . . . horrified, when their father told them the facts of life, the birds and the bees, at age 8 down to about one, with the boys, getting it, and the girls, sticking more along the lines of their mother's somewhat uptight attitudes, not as much anymore, but they don't want to know about it, so we will leave this off at this point.
I never put out, he never gave up . . . but seeing him, dart under the stairs wells, at the law school, crying when I shoved him out the door, on rainy nights, kind of got to me. And, even at that, I reached a point, that I felt it was either me or him, so, thank God, a roommate, or someone, who was sick and tired of him chasing me, affecting our living situation with 6 girls, there, finally did something, or the forged checks took care of business. This guy had probably a date a night, just to have the thrill of having the pursued victim accept, then he hated to go on the date. I, however, was somewhat different, kind of gamy, rather cruel, mean, and coming out of a very normal, to me boring, nice marriage . . . but, boredom was the root of all evil for me, if there are not problems, make some, so I got divorced, and started fires elsewhere. The point I am trying to make, is it is complicated, hits you unaware . . . there are tale, tale signs of abuse, so heed those warnings, because if they are there from the first, don't flirt with danger, or you will, surely find it. Too many times, girls want the bad boys, or guys want the girl who makes them crazy, insane, and messed up, but, generally speaking, neither of those combinations, work, for the most part, and lead to obsessive, controlling, power, fueled, addictive, dangerous relationships, that are destined to fail, cause misery, if not generations to cure. BEWARE . . . IF A PERSON MAKES YOU CRAZY, RUN!
We Need Couples Who Show Us What Love Looks Like
I can honestly say, there is not one relationships, marriage, engagement, even dating, that makes me even want a relationship, really, so happy couples, need to speak up, volunteer at church, or get more exposure. My parents have been married for over 60 years, but, there was psychological, financial, emotional abuse, but, no physical abuse . . . that is not to say, there was no damage to children, or that, those three elements, because abuse takes place in all forms, that they didn't have a worse effect on me, or my other 7 siblings. However, I must say, that, after taking a human development class, and reading the book, that I recommend, highly, Intimate Patterns in Love & Marriage, a book that came out in the late 80's, as I recall, led me to at least somewhat understand relationships, often driven by our family scripts, often seeing out partners that mirror the relationship of that of our parents, while we are trying not to walk in that direction, as in domestic violence, alcoholism, emotional abuse, and while avoiding one aspect, of parental role model, we walk into another side of it . . . but a good book, very insightful.
After starting a master's degree in human and family relations, at Utah State University, prior to going to law school, and reading that book, charting a huge genogram of my family genealogy, I realized that me and my husband of almost 15 years, were just victims of old family patterns, and I decided to lay one marriage on the line, to save, four others, or the possibility of breaking the chain of predictable or recognizable patterns, that seemed apparent to me, after charting all I knew about, both my husband's genealogy, and my families histories, and marriages, and ended a good marriage, in hopes that my children would have better ones. Whether that calculated risk, flying in the face of all divorce statistics, was a great idea, or just an exercise in futility, will yet, remain to be seen, but worth that old college try. My husband, of the day, thought that I was treating our marriage, like we were two lab rats in a maze, dissecting us, and laying us out on a chart to analyse, acting as if there were not feelings involve . . . newsflash, mine feelings had been gone 5 years earlier, the Chinese torture marriage, nothing offensive, but like a drip of water in the same spot for 15 years . . . I wanted more, for me, for him, and for our four children!
We need healthy role models, and that is one thing, I really think, President Obama and Vice President Biden, seem to do well, is married and family life, thanks. NO, marriage is perfect, I realize, that my husband, was probably the best man for me, given my age of marriage, my idealism, and my search for the perfect marriage, or at least one that fulfilled, my emotional needs. I am not the material girl, but I am the emotional high maintenance woman, I demand, a man's attention, not often, but I want to feel married, if I am married, and not more lonely married, than I would be single. That is a requirement, have your space, hour man cave, give me mine, but damn-it,when we are together, I fucking want 100% attention, period, that is as easy as it gets, I am not needed, in fact, 25 years of rolling by myself, should tell you that, but if I am going to waste my time getting married, I want to be married, not just a fuck buddy, not your maid, not someone you pick up and have a relationship with at your convenience. Okay, that said and done, back to domestic violence and crimes against, both women and men, but generally give the size, strength and income differences, plus the vulnerability a baby, or children add to a woman's life, not that men don't love their children, there is a muscle advantage.
Men, I Am Taking You Where You Are At . . . Evolution, Men were Hunters, Women were Gatherers--You Face the Beast; Creationist, God Made You the Head of the Woman, Because, You Are Usually a Head Taller Than a Woman, There is a Responsibility, By Nature, to be a Protector, Not an Abuser!
Sad to say, this is still a man's world, and that is coming from a bad ass con law chick, who has beat men in school, in court, in the legislature, in blogging, verbally, mentally, skillfully, but, that doesn't do anything more than piss the male patriarchal system of predominantly male run cop shops, prosecutor offices, and court rooms, with women making up to 51% of law school populations; however, after law school, women are driven to the back rooms, the colleges, their homes, or they have to do as Shakespeare's Lady MacBeth, and un-sex herself, to satisfy her ambitious side, selling her motherhood soul . . . or be relegated to part-time work or no time work, and childbirth, child care, and home care, whether you are an attorney, a doctor, teacher, nurse, or construction worker, you just get two jobs, rather than one, and you are fucking vulnerable, not only at home with your husband, but in the work force. Money, truly is power, and we need understanding fathers, husbands, partners, protectors, providers, not abusers!
It was interesting this week, that both Apple & Facebook, in the high tech industry, recognizing female ingenuity, genius, brilliance, and as worthy as any man, actually, offered women, up to $4,000 per female, to take advantage of freezing her eggs, preserving them for later years, when childbearing it not so, easy, so the company, can get the most out of a woman's most productive, career years, and still give her the opportunity to participate in having a family, allowing up to four months, family leave time for both husband and wife, when a baby comes, or to a woman who is partner less, who just wants to take those frozen eggs out of storage, and have a baby, or pay a surrogate to have their biological baby for them. On, MSNBC, the Melissa Harris-Perry Show, there was a panel discussion on this with 5 professional women, of all choices, family sizes, and options, including to not have families. The jury is still out on whether this is a good idea, or exploitation of women by another name? I don't have the answers, progressive for sure, but wise, not sure . . . you decide, each woman is different, and it should be, ultimately her decision, but thanks for the options, the mental gymnastics to figure it out, as if women didn't have enough decisions . . . sorry, sometimes the more options, the more confusing.
We Need a Male Revolution . . . Men Telling Other Men, No More and Actually Meaning It!
This last segment of the Law & Order, SVU, marathon, in the last case, with the soon to be ex-husband, breaking in, assaulting and raping his wife, then when she fought back, he set her on fire, Elliot, one of the main guys, working for the police department, actually, in the sex crime victim unit, was totally prejudicial toward, or in favor of the guy, cutting him all kinds of slack, giving him the benefit of every doubt, even working against his female partner, who made inferences, either to his own violent temper, knowing his wife, and him going through a divorce, or in her relationship professionally, trying to work out the differences between the way a man will see the situation and the way a woman will . . . and the program did a great job of making you side with the male detective, then the female, but it is always best to error on the side of safety . . . a man or woman is innocent, until proven guilty, but a trained professional should know that violence escalates, when the victim is trying to get away from the abuser, it doesn't get better, it gets worse, and may end up in death, that is the most vulnerable time, believe her, when there is evidence, that he is getting more and more violent!
The last scene of the segment, shows the woman, who has gone back and forth on her rape charges, knowing full well, that she is going to pay if she continues to say he raped her, is seen after being set on fire by her husband, running down the street, flames on her clothes, burning the hell out of her, and finally laying in the hospital, burns, open blood wounds, hair burned off, not able to even put a sheet on her bleeding back, looking terrible, a beautiful woman, either no hair, or singed, and barely able to speak. The female sex crime unit detective, asks her, if she really was raped, and she said yes. The doctor, doesn't think she will survive, the shock to the body too much, you see the two detectives, female just shaking her head, as they leave the burn unit, and the water above her, is turned on to treat her burning flesh with cold water, as she lays there screaming. Attorneys, write these crime shows, many based on their cases, with different names, and what not, but, true, in all their real facts . . . the husband, eventually is caught, will be tried for murder, and doesn't get his daughter anyway, is is worth it? The entire family is destroyed.
A Parade of the Horribles, From the Three Shows I Could Stand to Watch, And from My Own Cases, Or Cases I was Involved With, Over Domestic Violence, Later, Over Victim Assistance, Both Statewide
At the very most basic level, domestic violence, sexual assault, rape, and dating violence is about power and control, not that may be related to sex, by way of access to sex with the victim, or entitlement to access to sex, or it may not be related to sex at all, it may be a hatred for women, a power trip, we do it because we can, we are physically stronger, and they are right, there is not a whole lot, while in the situation, a woman can do about it, best thing, is to break their fantasy of fear or scaring you, making them feel that power and control over you, but men, by fact, nature, size, strength, muscle mass, agility, can take advantage of women, even women larger than themselves, Dragnet, only the facts man . . . in my experience, the men who are abusers, are charming, social, many handsome, well liked, manipulative, and have all their friends, families and co-workers fooled into thinking they are the pillars of society, often volunteering, to make it appear, that the man would never abuse the woman, his wife, or other wise . . . that is all part of the game of gaining the power and control over their selected victims. In every case, there is a period of isolation, where the couple appears to be greatly in love, usually with a fast romance, because lover boy or girl, can't sustain the charade for long, pushing for marriage, living together, or a move, isolating the victim is the first step in the power and control trip over the victim, giving them access, without anyone knowing . . . or they make the family, friends, or acquaintances so uncomfortable around the couple by acting out, that people generally just stop hanging out with them.
Once the abuse starts, and the guy or the abuser, has established himself, as the great guy, they start the character assassination, that the woman is crazy, menopausal, hysterical, has a social phobia . . . that is why she chooses, not to be around other people, so the guy is the families go to guy for all family needs, messages, and appearances. It never failed, that once the woman contacted my, as an assistant attorney general, or as staff attorney for the Utah Prosecution Council, working on domestic violence, almost exclusively for a year, and then expanding to more issues, over community programs, with domestic violence being part of victim's assistance, the man, inevitably, would some how, learn that she had called me for assistance, and he would call me, and assure me, she was completely insane, and that she needed help, or psychotropic drugs, and he would air her dirty laundary, and he was always the patient loving husband, long suffering, gentle, kind, and understanding of this poor crazy wife's condition. I would always listen, to get a handle on what the woman was dealing with, and what his game was . . . and usually, he was up to no good.
TV SCENARIO #1, THE CHARMING ABUSER, TURNED MURDERER
In the first show, I got in on a little late, but, the very good looking husband, came running in the room, because his son from his first marriage, with wife number one, a no show, was getting a court order to stop the detectives, from interviewing his son, about the murder of his second wife, and the child was the only witness. Allegedly, the husband, was at a real estate meeting with 500 of his colleagues that all thought the world of him, successful, and of course, nobody knew his wife. But one guy in his office, was a frequent flyer at the strip club down the street, and happened to see a woman that played a housewife stripper, that turned the men on, but he told the husband, that he wanted him to come to the club, because the women, looked just like his wife, this was a few days before the murder.
The detectives, found out that the second wife had been abused, a neighbor reported seeing bruises, and her looking over her shoulder, just to wave at this man, while he was in the yard, terrorized by the fact that her husband might see her waving to another man, and beat her. The neighbor also reported that the night his first wife, disappeared there was a van, and someone was carrying out garbage bags, thinking that woman might be dead as well, but later finding out that some woman's group, helped the first wife escape the abuse, that was escalating to the point of death, him or her, I got there with out a hit . . . so I understand. Eventually, after court order to control the child from meeting with detectives, or the testifying against the father in the trial, the kid, seeing his mother, after years, showing up to testify, with the hopes of seeing her son, and getting him away from his abusive father, can't testify on the stand, but as his father through eye contact, threatens the kids, who sees his mother sitting there, walks up to him, and in passing, blurts out in court, you killed Kim . . . the second wife.
Most women will be severely abused 8 or 9 times, before they will leave the marriage, no matter how serious the episode is, often, getting to the point where the victim, knows, that it is literally, him or her, or the kids are in danger, and she will then get a restraining order, which is not worth the paper it is written on, get a domestic violence protective order, cops will enforce that, it is civil, but can carry threat of incarceration or contempt of court if violated, then jail time. Once this is in place, as it was in the case of the woman being raped and then burned, the woman, is at the most risk, because the law has stepped in and stopped the abuser from the power and control over the victim and they go nuts, often using the fact that they are losing their children, a reality, to violate the order, and either kidnap the child, or kill the mother, or other parent, who is threatening to leave them permanently.
SCENARIO #2 . . . PERP USING THE SYSTEM TO FURTHER THE ABUSE
Once a protective order is in place, the abuser, will with the aid of the system, often drag the victim into court, over and over again, as part of the power and control over her, threatening through eye contact, again, reaching for anything he knows will hurt the victim, like her alcohol use, during a pregnancy, knowing that just his presence, makes her crazy, and drink more, leading to more court, to control her through the system, again exerting insider knowledge about a victim to gain back lost control. This case is incredibly sticky, and complicated, and only real facts could have come up with this set of facts, fact is stranger than fiction. So, initially, the wife and husband, who are separated, own a bar together. He comes to see her close, she breaks out a bottle of wine, they drink, he knows she is pregnant, tells her to stop drinking, she is damaging his child . . . power and control . . . not concern, or he wouldn't have, later, beats her, and rapes her. Only the concerned husband, as long as he can hurt the wife.
Initially, she refuses to say it is him who rapes her, and just wants to be left alone. The special victim's unit, promises her, they can protect her. She has to show up for a protective order hearing, and he brings a pro-life attorney, who manages to get the case heard in front of a pro-life judge. The order is granted, but the judge beats her up over the child. Outside, her husband begs her not to have an abortion. She listens to him, like most abused wives, and decides not to abort the child. He then, serves her with papers, stating, that now that she is going forward with the child, she needs to be incarcerated, due to her drinking problems! Which is a big concern for the cops, because they find out, that witnesses, the husband is calling, actually know of the drinking since teen years, and that she has a child, who, unknown to her, already has fetal alcohol syndrome. Due to the shock, she is with the cop, who visits her, and realizes that she has rum in her cola can, and arrests her for contempt of court orders to stay off alcohol. And she is looking at spending her whole pregnancy in jail, to force her to follow the court, in an order, that is not against the law, alcohol, that is, but the state, has an interest in the best interest of the child; therefore, they can incarcerate her to protect the child, she is choosing to have . . . I was very bothered that she would not stop drinking, and that the court would incarcerate her for something that is legal, and I know what fetal alcohol can do to a fetus . . . complex, legally as you can get, scream!
The jury, and rightly so, finds her not guilty, of contempt of court, for ordering her, to refrain from drinking, because it is legal. She did, however, get a conscience, once she, learned for the first time, that her first child had the syndrome, she went to visit her, and stopped drinking . . . the better way. The state, in family law, even in protecting children and looking out for their best interest, is to do it by the least intrusive means, counseling, encouraging, education, etc. She dumps the abusive husband, who pleads to the lesser crime of sexual assault, rather than rape, and basically gets a slap on the wrist, and walks . . . she suffered systemic abuse, which is so common, re-victimizing the victim! I already talked about the rape and burn case, but terrible cases.
CASES I WAS EXPOSED TO OR INVOLVED WITH
I was more of an ivy tower attorney, did training, writing manuals, legislation, coordinating community responses, working with various agencies, representing the Prosecution Council, the Attorney Generals Office, working with basically everyone, in particular cops and doctors. I would often talk to victims and send them to the right agency, tell them what type of protective order to get, and see that they got to where they needed to go, was a listening ear, to all aspects of domestic and dating violence. But, a friend of mine, who graduated from Bountiful High, with me, back in 1973, was married to a cop, who happened to mention my name, and he was a big time abuser, and all his cop friends protected him, laughed at her, and ridiculed her for making their buddy look bad; I guess you could say, I was the equalizer when it came to cops, and prosecutors . . . I would use the heavy hand of the AGs office to even the score a bit, and reprimand the cops, reminding them, it was actually their job to arrest their so, called, buddy!
I was more a system firefighter, putting out fires, dealing with domestic violence, threatening the powers that be, that they had better, not only follow the law, but enforce it, and stop siding with the abusers, and intimidating if, not totally, re-victimizing the abused or victim. But, this was a case in Heber City, rich, former football star. and I get a call from his girlfriend, live in common law wife, who he had just bloodied her lip, and slammed her foot in the door, took one of her negligees, cut it in small pieces, masturbated on it, and said, that is what he was going to do to her, take her up the canyon, kill her, cut her body in pieces, and masturbate all over her body! Even my boyfriend of the time was terrified of this guy, was worried about me, but was more worried about himself, and this guy, after I showed up in court, and we got a protective order, and an ankle bracelet on him, and he could not get within 500 feet of her, actually came and threatened me, and the Chief Deputy Attorney General, actually told me I better be careful, seeing I threatened and dared him to try it, and I would have his ass in prison so fast, that his head would spin . . . the sheriff would duck out of town events if I was there . . . I was basically, and maybe, foolishly, fearless!
Generally, I was only sent in if the cops would not comply with the law, and I would go enforce the law against the system, who was protecting the perp! They didn't like me much, still don't. LOL! I don't scare too easy . . . they have tried to exert systemic violence, power and control over me, and most cops and prosecutors, judges, don't give a rat's ass, they believe I can fend for myself . . . and I can, but, hey, an army of all levels of cops, local, state, and federal, with prosecutors and judges . . . a fair fight would be much appreciated, and I don't favor you substituting me out with T&A chicks, half my size and half my intellect! LOL! But have at 'em boys . . . boys will be boyz, hopefully, boyz to men, some day over the rainbow, Mr. OZ!
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